


Such Selfish Prayers

by iaminarage



Category: Glee
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-04-13
Updated: 2013-04-28
Packaged: 2017-12-08 03:24:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 6
Words: 23,282
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/756451
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iaminarage/pseuds/iaminarage
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><i>No matter how careful you are, you can’t keep any secret forever.</i> A Kurtbastian AU based on Bare: A Pop Opera.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Spinning Circles in Our Souls

**Author's Note:**

> **Warnings:** This fic also has some more detailed trigger warnings but they are fairly spoilery (for the fic itself) so I made them a [seperate post](http://iaminarage.livejournal.com/860.html) so that people who wanted to see them would have access to them but if people wanted to read without them, they could go ahead (for those wondering if they need to look at them, these triggers do not involve issues of consent). You are also welcome to contact me via my ask/fanmail or by emailing me at iaminarage@gmail.com. I will be happy to talk about the warnings with you but please give me a way to answer you back (either ask off-anon on tumblr or email me) so that I can talk to you without telling everyone the ending.
> 
> **Betas:** [reblogthiscrapkay](http://reblogthiscrapkay.tumblr.com) and [loveinisolation](http://loveinisolation.tumblr.com) were the primary betas on this fic and without them it absolutely would not have happened. [artist-artists](http://artist-artists.tumblr.com/), [bowtiesforbows](http://bowtiesforbows.tumblr.com/), and [happydaysarehere25](http://happydaysarehere25.tumblr.com/) also generously test read this for me and I feel 100% more confident posting it because of them.
> 
> **Notes:** First of all, on spoilers. If you are familiar with Bare: A Pop Opera and you choose to comment on or reblog this fic (THANK YOU), please do not post spoilers for the ending in your comments, tags, etc. If you do want to talk to me about the ending, feel free to contact me as listed above. If you are not familiar with Bare: A Pop Opera and you want to read this fic without knowing what is going to happen, **do not google or check the tumblr tag for Bare: A Pop Opera or Bare: The Musical.** You will find out all the details pretty much right away. If you aren’t familiar with them and want to check them out, by all means go for it and feel free to message me for information, but you will get spoiled for the end of this fic. If you want to know how this fic came to be, that’s over [here](http://iaminarage.livejournal.com/1255.html).  
>  The title of this fic is taken from the song Bedroom Hymns by Florence + The Machine which does make sense with this fic if you think about it.
> 
> **Disclaimer:** I do not own Glee or any of the associated characters. I also do not own Bare: A Pop Opera (or Bare: The Musical). No copyright infringement is intended. This fic is an AU based on Bare and, as such, the plot and many of the scenes are heavily inspired by Bare and some pieces may be paraphrased. This is a blanket disclaimer for the fic. There are a very few actual quotes from Bare: A Pop Opera and Bare: The Musical used in the fic and I will acknowledge these separately in the end notes.
> 
> **Background information:** There are a couple of things you do need to know before you start reading this fic. This fic takes place in the spring of 2012. All of the characters who were seniors in season 3 are seniors in this fic but Sebastian, Lauren, and Artie are also seniors. Dalton is a co-ed Catholic boarding school. Sebastian Smythe and Lauren Zizes are twins (this is sort of required by Bare, it grows on you, I promise) which means that I’ll use the name Lauren Smythe for her but we are still talking about the same person.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Background information:** There are a couple of things you do need to know before you start reading this fic. This fic takes place in the spring of 2012. All of the characters who were seniors in season 3 are seniors in this fic but Sebastian, Lauren, and Artie are also seniors. Dalton is a co-ed Catholic boarding school. Sebastian Smythe and Lauren Zizes are twins (this is sort of required by Bare, it grows on you, I promise) which means that I’ll use the name Lauren Smythe for her but we are still talking about the same person.

Thinking of knocking a priest out with a textbook in order to shut him up was probably a sin, Kurt thought. But in Father Will’s case, it seemed like it might be the only solution. The priest had kept him after class for long enough that the halls had cleared and he’d somehow managed not to say anything that made any sense. The last thing Kurt wanted to do at the end of the day on Friday was listen to Father Will ramble.  
  
He shoved his Spanish book angrily into his locker, as if he could punish the book for Father Will’s complete ineptness. He heard footsteps coming down the hallway but didn’t look up until a long, slim body leaned against the wall next to him.  
  
“Hey little boy, would you like a ride?” Kurt shot Sebastian a withering look. “A lollipop? A puppy?” When his expression didn’t change, Sebastian put a hand on Kurt’s waist and continued, “How about a lacrosse stick? There’s one in my pants.”  
  
Kurt finally cracked and rolled his eyes. “Sorry, Sebastian,” he said, “but I’m just not interested in anyone who plays short stick. If you know what I mean.” He started to walk away but Sebastian grabbed him by the wrist and pulled him back in to crowd him up against the locker.  
  
“You little asshole,” Sebastian said fondly.  
  
“If you want to be believable, you have to stop looking so proud,” he retorted.  
  
“Never.” Sebastian looked around to make sure the halls were clear before dropping a quick kiss to Kurt’s lips. “Hi,” he said softly as he ran his hand up Kurt’s chest to curl around the back of his neck. “How was your day?”  
  
Kurt laughed gently and looped his arms around Sebastian’s back to pull him a bit closer. “Oh, you know. Father Will is an idiot.”  
  
“Behold my shock,” Sebastian deadpanned.  
  
Kurt bit his lip, wondering what Sebastian’s reaction would be to the question he’d been dying to ask.  
  
Sebastian caught his look and sighed. “Okay, what is it?”  
  
“Sister Emma announced the spring play today,” he said as he moved his hands down Sebastian’s back to his waist. “It’s Romeo and Juliet.”  
  
Sebastian blinked and waited for him to finish.  
  
Kurt slid his hand under Sebastian’s sweater, smiling when Sebastian leaned back into his touch. “I was thinking you might try out with me this year?”  
  
Sebastian sighed. “Kurt, we go through this every year and my answer is always the same!” Kurt looked up at him, eyes wide and pleading. “And don’t think I don’t know what you’re doing with the eyes and the touching! It’s not going to work.”  
  
Kurt grinned wickedly and shifted his leg where it rested between Sebastian’s. “It’s working a little bit.”  
  
Sebastian closed his eyes as Kurt’s leg rubbed against him, but when he opened them he had a determined look on his face. “I’m not going to try out for Romeo and Juliet. I don’t act.”  
  
Kurt gave a derisive laugh at the irony of this statement. “Aside from every minute of your life?”  
  
“Not every minute,” Sebastian said seriously. “Not when I’m with you.”  
  
Kurt locked eyes with Sebastian and they stared at each other for a few seconds. Then Sebastian shook his head to defuse the seriousness of the moment and said, “Speaking of which, I have an hour free and I was thinking of going back to our room to take a nap before practice ...”  
  
Kurt pulled his arms away from Sebastian and crossed them indignantly. “You can’t always distract me with sex!”  
  
“I plan to dedicate my life to trying to prove you wrong on that,” Sebastian retorted.  
  
Kurt glared at Sebastian, adjusted the strap of his bag, and pushed his way out of Sebastian’s arms. He turned back as he walked away and took a moment to enjoy the look of disappointment on Sebastian’s face. “Well? Aren’t you coming? You can’t afford to dawdle around here if you only have an hour.”  
  
Sebastian’s face lit up and he rushed to catch up with Kurt.  
  
Kurt gave him a warning look. “Don’t think this conversation is over, Sebastian Smythe. We’re coming back to it.”  
  
“Sure, Kurt. Okay. Then why are we leaving now?”  
  
Kurt crossed his arms again and narrowed his eyes at Sebastian. “It’s tough to argue with a hard-on.”  
  
At this, Sebastian burst into laughter. He put his hands on Kurt’s back and pushed him along down the hallway. “In that case, I will try to solve this problem for you as quickly as possible. I know how much pain you must be in ... being unable to argue.”

 

* * *

Forty-five minutes later, Kurt was watching Sebastian dress for practice in his Dalton Lacrosse t-shirt and shorts. He was considering getting out of bed, but he figured he’d wait until he was done appreciating the view.  
  
“A bunch of us are meeting in the lounge in a little bit to watch movies,” Kurt said, “you should come when you’re done with practice.”  
  
Sebastian looked up from where he was digging through his sock drawer. “Who’s coming?”  
  
“Does it matter? Mercedes, Artie, Tina ... some subset of your non-lacrosse-playing friends?”  
  
“Oh, right. Those people,” Sebastian said. He straightened up, having finally found what he was looking for. He crossed over to where Kurt was still sitting on his bed and sat down next to him to put on his socks and shoes. “Yeah, I’m in. I’ll bring the guys back with me. Just watch your hands around Mercedes this time. Sam looked like he was going to take your arm off last week.”  
  
Kurt giggled. If only Sam knew. “Well, people thinking I’m in danger of putting the moves on a girl can only be considered a good thing but … seriously? Mercedes and I have been friends since freshman year!”  
  
Sebastian turned to rest a hand on Kurt’s bare chest and said, “Babe, we’ve been friends since freshman year too.” Then he kissed Kurt to make his point. Kurt moved to deepen the kiss and whined when Sebastian pulled away. Sebastian smiled softly at the sound but said, “I really, really wish I could stay.”  
  
Kurt nodded and Sebastian kissed him one more time, quickly, and left.

 

* * *

 

Kurt and his friends were sitting in the senior lounge about to put in their second movie when the rest of the guys returned from lacrosse practice.  
  
“What are we watching?” Mike said, taking a seat next to Tina.  
  
“We’re watching Romeo and Juliet because, apparently, some of these fools need to do their research before auditions,” Lauren said, looking up from her PSP.  
  
“Then why aren’t you watching it? You always audition,” Puck said.  
  
“Because I am already too hot to handle, Puckerman. No research required.” Lauren returned to her game leaving Puck looking shell shocked and, Kurt thought, fairly impressed.  
  
Kurt locked eyes with Sebastian, who had settled down next to Brittany and draped one arm over her shoulder. He glanced over at Puck and Lauren and then raised one eyebrow as if to ask what that was all about. Sebastian just rolled his eyes fondly and shook his head.  
  
“Dude, you guys are all trying out, right?” Sam said, looking around at his teammates. Mike, Finn, and Puck nodded but Sebastian looked offended.  
  
“Trying out? For the play? Are you kidding?”  
  
“Chicks dig the sensitive actor types!” Puck pointed out and Artie fist bumped him.  
  
“Well, I’m not trying out,” Santana said, looking bored with the line of conversation. “Romeo and Juliet is a lame play. The only girls in it are a nurse and a dumbass who commits suicide over some player she’s known for three days.”  
  
“You have to try out, Sebastian,” Sugar said, a note of pleading in her voice. “Obviously all of your friends will be there. And you would be the cutest Romeo!” Sebastian answered her with a wink. Kurt rolled his eyes at this. He would never understand why Sebastian thought he had to flirt with every single girl he’d ever met in order to convince people that he was straight. Kurt never bothered to flirt with anyone and no one had ever said anything about it. And he didn’t have the added layer of protection that Sebastian had by being a star athlete.  
  
“Obviously Finn and I are perfect for Romeo and Juliet,” Rachel said.  
  
“I didn’t realize we were doing the version of Romeo and Juliet where Romeo kills himself because he’s tired of the sound of Juliet’s voice,” Lauren quipped. Sebastian snorted and raised a hand to offer her a high five.  
  
“You two are insufferable!” Rachel shouted and stormed out. Finn followed behind her looking resigned.  
  
“I assume it would be overkill to high five again?” Sebastian said.  
  
Kurt thought about it for a moment. “That has to be the fastest Rachel Berry storm out on record. She must be feeling really tense about auditions.”  
  
“Berry is wound too tightly. There is no explanation,” Santana said. “So are we doing this movie thing or not?”

 

* * *

Kurt woke up in the wee hours of the morning on Saturday to find Sebastian sleeping with his head on Kurt’s chest. Despite the advantage of being roommates, they didn’t often spend the entire night in the same bed. Whether it was the specter of theoretical bed checks that had yet to materialize, or the fear that if they crossed this one last line of intimacy too often the lies would become unbearable he wasn’t sure, but Kurt couldn’t bring himself to wake Sebastian and send him back to his own bed. A few months ago he probably would have, but with graduation looming ahead of him and his whole life about to change, Sebastian’s arm around his waist felt like an anchor.  
  
So instead he watched the other boy sleep. He ran his hand through Sebastian’s hair and thought about how much younger his friend looked without the weight of expectations and secrets pressing down on him. Kurt couldn’t help but worry about how long they could go on like this. They’d survived three and a half years of hiding who they were except when they were alone. More than survived, really. Looking back, Kurt barely recognized the angry, terrified boy he’d been the day he arrived at Dalton. Sebastian had been the first person Kurt had met the day his father dropped him off.  He’d stormed away from his father as soon as he had gotten the keys to his new dorm room, leaving Burt standing in the atrium filling out forms. When he’d opened the door to his room, he’d found the cutest boy he’d ever seen sitting on one of the twin beds cheerfully flinging a lacrosse ball against the opposing wall as hard as he could. And his life had never been the same.  
  
Snarky, confident, gorgeous Sebastian was, in his own way, so much more of an orphan than Kurt. But wallowing wasn’t Sebastian’s style and he seldom let Kurt get away with it either. He’d dragged Kurt to the orientation social the day they met and, without even really realizing it, he’d forced Kurt to get to know their fellow classmates, to join in, and to be happy again. If Sebastian caught Kurt lying in his room staring at the ceiling, he’d climb into bed with Kurt and kiss him until all of his dark thoughts flew away. And when moments of missing his mother crept up on him, Sebastian would simply hold Kurt’s hand, letting him know that he wasn’t alone. Those first months with Sebastian had been like the first glorious day of spring after a long winter and, although they had their fair share of fights, they’d been each other’s best friends ever since. Kurt barely knew who he would be at this point without the other boy.  
  
It wasn’t all easy. Sebastian had his own dark moments when his frustration at his parents’ insane expectations would overwhelm him. And the only thing Sebastian hated more than his parents was the idea of letting them down. And then there were the secrets. As amazing as his relationship with Sebastian was, it was always a struggle to keep it behind closed doors. There were so many public moments when he had to ball his fists in his pockets instead of reaching out for his best friend, or school his features so that no one would see the dreamy way he wanted to look at Sebastian.  
  
There was a part of Kurt that knew that what they were doing was wrong. He’d heard enough sermons on the evils of homosexuality to know that. And it terrified him to think that the thing that was keeping him sane could damn him. When he was younger, he’d prayed every day to be straight. He would sit in church and listen to Father Will’s words about hell and sin and wish that he could make his feelings for Sebastian stop. But then Sebastian would smile at him and Kurt would wonder how he could ever wish what they had away. He’d passed the point of no return and all he could do was try not to think about what God or Father Will or his classmates would think if they found out. He needed Sebastian too much.  
  
He knew that it got to Sebastian, too. Sebastian hadn’t cared much about God in a long time, but his father was a different matter. Kurt couldn’t help but wonder if the day was coming when Sebastian would decide that it was time to be the person that his father wanted him to be. He couldn’t help but be afraid that, at some point, Sebastian would give this all up and decide to make an attempt at a real life with one of the many girls who always seemed to flock around him. One day, Sebastian might find a girl who would give him the one thing that Kurt never could: a life that he could live without secrets or shame. And Kurt had no idea what he’d do if that happened.  
  
But that day wasn’t today. Today he had Sebastian sleeping in his arms. Kurt pulled the other boy closer as a reminder. And he laughed quietly to himself at the realization that he was lucky Sebastian was such a ridiculously heavy sleeper. If the other boy had any idea that Kurt was watching him sleep and mulling over their past and future, he’d be told off for thinking too much. And probably for being sentimental and creepy. Life was easier for Sebastian if he could treat it all as a joke.

 

* * *

Two weeks later, Kurt was sitting in the auditorium with almost all of his friends and a significant proportion of the rest of the school, Sebastian not included. Despite the relentless peer pressure from both Kurt and his teammates, he hadn’t changed his mind about auditioning.  
  
“Okay, everyone! We’re going to audition with the balcony scene. We’ll have all the girls read for Juliet and all the boys read for Romeo, regardless of what part you are interested in,” Sister Emma said as she looked around the room. “I guess that means that the boys will have to read more than once so that all of the girls get a chance.”  
  
Artie, who was stage managing the show, rolled down the aisle handing out copies of the scene. “We’ll give you all a few minutes to read this over and then start calling people up.”  
  
Kurt didn’t have to study the scene too much to be prepared. He had read _Romeo and Juliet_ about a dozen times in preparation for auditions and, although he knew he wasn’t exactly Leonardo DiCaprio, he also knew that he had an excellent chance of getting a good role. He was one of the few boys who were really familiar with reading Shakespeare, and there were already not enough boys for the number of guys’ parts in the show.  
  
“Okay,” Sister Emma said, “let’s start with Kurt and ... Sugar!”  
  
Sugar gave him a smile as they climbed up to the stage.  
  
“Are you ready?” Artie said. They both nodded. “And scene.”  
  
“I take thee at thy word: Call me but love, and I'll be new baptized; Henceforth I never will be Romeo,” Kurt read.  
  
“What man art thou that thus bescreen'd in night so stumblest on my counsel?!” Sugar shouted back at him. Kurt winced.

“Sugar!” Emma said. “Remember, this is a secret meeting. You don’t want to wake the village. Or the dead.”  
  
The rest of the students laughed. Sugar took the volume down after that, but she still managed to read every word with the exact same tone. By the end of the scene, Kurt felt pretty good about his performance. He knew he’d sounded confident speaking the lines, but he was glad that he’d get a second chance to read with someone who might give him a bit more to work with.  
  
After about the third time hearing the same scene, Kurt started to get tired of it. He sat in the back and had a whispered conversation with Mercedes while they waited to be called back to the stage.  
  
His second time up he read with Rachel. She was definitely much better than Sugar which helped Kurt’s performance, but she also seemed to be trying too hard. Kurt had a feeling that she wasn’t going to be cast as Juliet and he already felt bad for Finn. There was going to be a huge meltdown if Rachel Barbara Berry didn’t get to be the star her senior year and Kurt was planning to do everything in his power to avoid her. But Finn wouldn’t be able to hide.  
  
Lauren was the last girl to read for Juliet, and when she and Sam jumped off stage Sister Emma turned to face the group. “Okay, I think we’re done. Did I miss anyone?”  
  
Kurt heard the door at the back of the theatre open. “Am I too late to audition?” Kurt’s eyes went wide in shock at the sound of Sebastian’s voice.  
  
Mercedes turned to him and whispered, “Did you know he was auditioning?”  
  
Kurt shook his head as he heard Sister Emma say, “No, of course not. Just come right up here. I’m sure one of these ladies will be willing to read with you.” At this, nearly every girl in the auditorium threw an arm up to volunteer.  
  
Sebastian grinned and walked over to where Kurt was sitting to drop off his stuff. “Now ladies,” he said to the group, “don’t hurt yourselves; there’s plenty of Sebastian Smythe to go around.”  
  
Kurt shook his head at Sebastian and handed him a copy of the script.  
  
As Sebastian headed up to the stage, Kurt looked up at Artie and Sister Emma. Sister Emma looked floored at the number of volunteers, but Artie appeared to be glaring daggers at Sebastian. Kurt couldn’t figure out any reason for this. After all, it wasn’t like Artie was auditioning.  
  
When Sister Emma asked Quinn to read Juliet, Artie’s glare only intensified. He looked over at Mercedes and saw that she’d noticed the direction of Artie’s glare as well. “Artie and Quinn?” Mercedes asked.  
  
“That’s what it looks like, isn’t it?” Kurt replied. “But it doesn’t look like she knows.”  
  
“She’d probably work her way around to Artie at some point,” Mercedes said uncharitably. “There can’t be too many guys left in this school that she hasn’t slept with.”  
  
Kurt wasn’t surprised by this exaggeration. Quinn didn’t exactly jump in and out of bed with a different guy each night, but she seldom waited for more than a few dates and her relationships tended to fizzle out quickly. Actually, one of her longest relationships had been with Sam last year, so Mercedes wasn’t exactly her biggest fan.  
  
Kurt was jogged from his contemplation of Artie’s apparent feelings by Quinn and Sebastian beginning to read the scene. He was surprised to realize that they were good together. Quinn was much softer and sweeter than most of the other girls, but she wasn’t shy and she didn’t stumble over her words. Sebastian read the lines well, but he also looked at Quinn as if she was the only thing in the world. Kurt felt just a bit of jealousy rise up in him as he recognized that look. It was the look Sebastian gave him in quiet moments when they were alone. Kurt worked to stamp the feeling down, reminding himself that Sebastian was acting. And, judging by Sister Emma’s rapt expression, Kurt was going to have to get used to seeing him do it.  
  
“O blessed, blessed night! I am afeard. Being in night, all this is but a dream, too flattering-sweet to be substantial,” Sebastian read, ending the audition. The entire auditorium applauded, but Kurt noticed that the girls were applauding much more enthusiastically than the boys.  
  
“Good! Thank you very much,” Sister Emma said to Sebastian and Quinn. Then she turned to address the group again. “Thank you so much for auditioning everyone. I will post the cast list next Monday before lunch.”  
  
Everyone stood to gather their things and Sebastian hopped off the stage and walked back over to Kurt, accepting congratulations on his way.  
  
“So, Mr. Popularity, what made you decide to audition at the absolute last possible moment?” Kurt asked when Sebastian reached him. Sebastian looked around to make sure that no one was paying them any attention and then leaned down to gather his stuff from the floor.

Kurt leaned down as well and Sebastian said, just loud enough for Kurt to hear him over the sounds of their classmates packing up, “this cute boy kept asking me to and, about half an hour ago, I figured out that I had no idea why I kept saying no.”  
  
Kurt grinned at him. “A cute boy was asking you? Who was it? I’m sure I can take him!”  
  
Sebastian winked at Kurt and stood up as Quinn walked up to them.  
  
“You did a really great job, Sebastian,” she said. “I really hope we get to play Romeo and Juliet together.” Kurt thought she was gazing at Sebastian a bit too dreamily. He sighed to himself. Yet another complication.  
  
“Thanks, you too!” Sebastian said. “If we do get cast, I’ll be happy to help you practice.” He leered at her a bit.  
  
Quinn smiled up at him and then allowed Brittany to drag her out of the auditorium.  
  
“Watch who you encourage,” Kurt said. “One of these days, one of them is actually going to fall in love with you.”  
  
“With me?” Sebastian said with a laugh. “I have a terrible reputation. Why would anyone fall in love with me?”  
  
“No idea,” Kurt said, rolling his eyes fondly. “I’ll see you after practice?”  
  
“As always!” Sebastian backed out of the auditorium, grinning at Kurt.

 

* * *

  
The following Monday, everyone was on edge waiting for the cast list to be posted. When the bell finally rang for the end of the final period before lunch, it seemed like the entire school took off towards the atrium. By the time Kurt and Sebastian got there, a fairly sizable crowd had already gathered around the list. Rachel Berry was in front, of course.  
  
“This must be a mistake!” Kurt heard her announce over the crowd. “There’s no way that Quinn is Juliet. I was born to play Juliet!”  
  
“I guess Sister Emma missed the memo. Did you remember to put a gold star sticker on it when you sent it to her?” Lauren asked.  
  
At that point, Kurt stopped listening to Lauren and Rachel because Quinn was pushing through the crowd to get to Sebastian. “Looks like you’re my Romeo!”  
  
“Oh really?” Sebastian said with a wink. “That could be a real challenge for you. Girls have been known to forget everything they were going to say when they see me.”  
  
“Sebastian, stop!” Quinn said, slapping his arm lightly.  
  
Kurt decided he was tired of this display and headed up to read the cast list. Lauren was still up there. She held her hand out to him for a fist bump when he approached. Kurt returned it and said, “Why are we fist bumping?”  
  
“We are fist bumping because I’m playing the nurse and you’re playing Mercutio. Which means we did pretty damn well,” Lauren explained.  
  
“Really?” Kurt said, scanning the cast list for himself and confirming that she was right. He grinned. He wasn’t Romeo, but he hadn’t expected to be. And this meant he’d get to do the Queen Mab speech.  
  
“Although, if you want to play star crossed lovers with me, I am willing to take out blondie and my asshole brother to make that happen,” Lauren said.  
  
“I can’t believe my sister and my best friend are plotting against me!” Sebastian had come behind Lauren as she spoke. “I am distraught. Absolutely distraught.”  
  
“You’ll get over it, I’m sure.” Lauren rolled her eyes at him. “Besides, Kurt has every right to plot against you. Not only has he put up with being your best friend all these years, but now he has to put up with playing your best friend!”  
  
Sebastian turned to him. “You got Mercutio?” When Kurt nodded, Sebastian looked uncharacteristically awkward for a moment and then grabbed Kurt’s hand and pulled him in for a back slapping hug.  
  
“Are you guys coming to lunch?” Lauren asked as she shifted her bag up onto her shoulder.  
  
“We’ll be there in a minute,” Sebastian said. “I want to read the rest of the cast list. I need to know who I get to stab.”  
  
Lauren shrugged and headed out, leaving Sebastian and Kurt alone in the atrium.  
  
“Really?” Kurt asked, once he was sure she was gone. “A bro hug?”  
  
Sebastian laughed and reached out to pull Kurt to him. “Sorry, but I figured my sister would be a bit surprised if I stuck my tongue in your mouth in celebration.”  
  
“Is that not a normal reaction between best guy friends?” Kurt said, running his hands up Sebastian’s chest.  
  
“Not that I’ve noticed,” Sebastian said as he leaned in and kissed Kurt gently.  
  
When Sebastian pulled back, Kurt said, “Thanks Romeo, but I believe I was promised tongue.”  
  
Sebastian chuckled and disentangled himself from Kurt. “Raincheck? I don’t want to push our luck.”  
  
Kurt sighed and reached out to tug the wrinkles out of Sebastian’s shirt where he’d grabbed it. “Okay, now we can go to lunch without arousing suspicion. Am I good?”  
  
Sebastian looked him up and down and nodded. As they headed for lunch, Kurt caught himself imagining what it would be like if he could just reach out and take Sebastian’s hand as they walked down the hall.

 

* * *

  
Kurt spent the first half of lunch listening to Sebastian, Sam, and Mike debate the finer points of their next opponent’s defensive scheme. Kurt was, as always, horrified to realize that he actually understood what they were talking about. He’d never had any interest in sports, but as Sebastian’s roommate it seemed he’d learned the rules by association. (Sebastian had once insisted that Kurt had learned them by ingestion and had found himself unceremoniously pushed out of bed and onto the floor). Once, during a game, Kurt had even found himself yelling at a referee about a particularly vicious (and definitely illegal) hit that Sebastian had taken.

 

Kurt had become completely tired of the debate, so he turned to the other side of the table where the girls were sitting. Unfortunately, they turned out to be discussing something even more terrifying.

 

“Quinn, didn’t you sleep with Lurch two years ago? Why don’t you tell Berry what it will be like?” Santana said with a dry laugh.

“That’s really not necessary, thank you!” Rachel said, alarmed. Kurt understood how she felt. The last thing he wanted to know about was his step-brother’s sex life.

 

Unfortunately, Quinn answered the question. “Look, all I’m going to say is that I blinked and it was over.”

  
Thankfully, before Kurt could be scarred any further, Sugar came over to their table and motioned for everyone to come closer. “I just got a text from my friend from summer camp, Jeff. He lives about half an hour from here and his parents are going to be out of town for the weekend. He’s having a party on Friday and he told me to bring whoever I want.”  
  
Finn and Puck high-fived. Sam said, “Sebastian’s driving!”  
  
“Wait,” Sebastian said, looking affronted, “no fucking way. Why would I be driving?”  
  
“Sorry, dude,” Finn replied, “but you finished last in the beer pong tournament at the last party which, as we all know, means you drive this time.”  
  
Sebastian glared at him. “I don’t remember doing anything of the sort.”  
  
Santana crossed her arms. “Bullshit, Smythe. There’s no way you don’t remember. You’re basically the only person we know who always remembers everything the next morning.”  
  
Kurt knew that Santana had him caught. Sebastian’s ability to drink copious amounts of alcohol without ever blacking out was basically legendary.  
  
“Exactly.” Sebastian shot her a smug smile. “So if I don’t remember it, it didn’t happen.”  
  
“Sorry big brother,” Lauren cut in, “you aren’t getting out of this one. We were all there.”  
  
Sebastian narrowed his eyes at her and then crossed his arms, accepting defeat.  
  
“Okay,” Puck said, “if anyone wants me to acquire anything for the party, let me know by Wednesday.”  
  
“Apparently I don’t need anything!” Sebastian said, obviously still pouting.  
  
Puck looked disappointed. “Man, this whole Sebastian driving thing is going to majorly hurt my sales.”  
  
At that moment, the bell rang and they all began to gather their stuff.  
  
“Remember: by Wednesday!” Puck said as they split up to go to their separate classes.

 

* * *

Sebastian walked into their room after practice on Friday to find Kurt staring very intently into a closet that distinctly did not belong to him. He couldn’t help but wonder what kind of trouble he was going to get into. Kurt taking too much interest in his clothes was never a good thing for Sebastian. It usually meant he was going to have to save something from being burned.  
  
He pressed a quick kiss to the side of Kurt’s hair on his way to put down his backpack. “What item of my clothing has offended you now?”  
  
“Can I borrow this for tonight?” Kurt said as if he hadn’t heard the question.  
  
Sebastian walked over to Kurt, wrapped his arms around his waist, and hooked his chin over Kurt’s shoulder to see what he was holding. The shirt in question was an unremarkable white Henley. “After all these years of being told how offensive my wardrobe is, I am absolutely shocked to find out you want to borrow something! Did you hit your head? Should I call a doctor?”  
  
“Oh, shut up. I don’t hate everything you own. Just most of it. It’s perfectly possible to pick out a decent outfit from your closet.” Kurt turned slightly in Sebastian’s arms and pressed a soft kiss to his lips. When he pulled away, he said, “Well, possible for me.”  
  
Sebastian laughed and pulled Kurt closer. “You win, you asshole. You can borrow my shirt and I’ll even let you pick out my outfit.” Kurt hummed in satisfaction as Sebastian pressed a kiss to the base of his neck. He reached down with his free hand to tangle his fingers with Sebastian’s.  
  
Sebastian kissed his way slowly up the side of Kurt’s neck and breathed into his ear, “Are you sure you don’t want to stay in tonight?”  
  
A shudder ran up Kurt’s back and he dropped the shirt he was still holding. “That’s really not fair,” he said, spinning around to kiss Sebastian properly. After a moment though, he pulled back. “But if we don’t go, everyone will want to know why.”  
  
Sebastian groaned. “We could tell them all we both got sick suddenly. Maybe we have one of those 24 hour colds. Or, like, Ebola or something.” He buried his face in Kurt’s shoulder.  
  
Kurt laughed and patted his back. “Poor Sebastian. Cockblocked by your own popularity again. You should learn to think this through before you make plans.”  
  
Sebastian straightened up. “I really should. I suffer from a terrible lack of foresight. Okay, what am I wearing?”  
  
Sebastian lounged around while Kurt went through their closets as if it was a life or death situation. In the end, Kurt ended up wearing Sebastian’s white Henley, a black vest, and black jeans. After a few arguments, Sebastian was finally convinced to wear a blue plaid button down open over a white t-shirt and his tightest pair of jeans (which were still not tight enough in Kurt’s opinion).  
  
Kurt looked Sebastian over critically from where he sat on his bed. “Do I pass the test?” Sebastian asked with a cocky smile.  
  
“Not quite,” he replied, “c’mere.” Sebastian walked over to him. Kurt pulled on his hand until Sebastian’s arm was held up between them. Sebastian caught his eyes as Kurt slowly rolled his sleeve up a few turns. He held his other arm up for Kurt without breaking their gaze.  
  
Kurt’s fingers brushed Sebastian’s forearm as he rolled up the other sleeve. “This is not helping convince me that we need to leave,” Sebastian said.  
  
Kurt dropped Sebastian’s arm and pushed him away lightly. Sebastian dutifully backed up so that Kurt could get a better view. “Now you pass the test.”

 

* * *

  
Sebastian walked out into the crisp March air. He needed a break from the mass of dancing, happy people stuffed into Jeff’s house. He walked down the path and sat on a low wall surrounding a garden.  
  
Sebastian looked up at the sky and took several breaths. He heard the front door open and looked up to see Kurt walking towards him. A rush of heat ran through him at the sight of his friend. Kurt was just tipsy enough to be loose and relaxed and Sebastian loved him this way.  
  
As he came close to Sebastian, Kurt looked him up and down and said, “Are you alright? I saw you leave.”  
  
“I’m fine,” Sebastian said, “I just needed some air.” He reached a hand out to Kurt who took it and allowed himself to be pulled closer.  
  
“Okay,” Kurt said. He looked to make sure there was no one else around and then nudged Sebastian’s knees apart slightly to stand in between them and drape his arms around the other boy’s shoulders. “You’ve been weird tonight.”  
  
“Oh?”  
  
“You’ve been avoiding me like crazy,” Kurt said, biting his lip.  
  
Sebastian took a deep breath in an attempt to calm his heart which was racing at having Kurt so close to him. “Ah. That.” Kurt looked at him expectantly. “You’re kind of driving me crazy tonight,” Sebastian said, resting his hands on Kurt’s hips. “I’m afraid to be around you in front of everyone. Like they all might be able to see that I’m wishing I could blow you in the middle of the dance floor.”  
  
Kurt threw his head back laughing. “God, Sebastian, you are such a romantic.”  
  
Sebastian grinned. “I try.”  
  
Kurt sobered then and looked down at him. “It shouldn’t have to be like this. You shouldn’t have to avoid me to make sure no one can tell you want me. We should be able to walk into a party holding hands and dance together like everyone else. We should be able to tell our friends and family the truth!”  
  
Sebastian’s heart clenched at the hurt in Kurt’s eyes. “I know, Kurt, I do. But that isn’t the world we live in right now. And I’d rather have you and lie than not have you at all.”  
  
Kurt shifted a little to bring one hand up to rest against Sebastian’s cheek. “Me too, of course me too. But we can’t live this way forever.”  
  
Sebastian sighed. “Kurt, you know I don’t plan my future.” He’d never seen the point in pretending he had any say.  
  
Kurt nodded and then leaned down to kiss him softly. Sebastian slipped one hand under Kurt’s shirt – his shirt, he remembered with a thrill – needing the feel of skin under his fingertips.  
  
Kurt pulled back slightly and whispered “I love you” against his lips. At this, Sebastian could only stand up and pull Kurt closer to him. He kissed his friend as hard as he could, pouring all the things he couldn’t say into the kiss, and hoped that Kurt would understand.  
  
Neither of them saw that Artie had come out onto the porch and was watching them.

 

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so that’s chapter 1! Thank you so much for reading! The next chapter will be posted on Wednesday, April 17th. 
> 
> If anyone didn’t get Kurt’s joke about not being interested in someone who plays short stick, in lacrosse there are both short sticks (42 inches) and long sticks (72 inches). Sebastian plays attack (offense only) in this fic, which means he uses a short stick. [Here’s a visual](http://iaminarage.livejournal.com/1255.html). 
> 
> Somehow basically all of the direct quotes in this fic ended up in this chapter so here they are:
> 
> The line “Hey little boy would you like a ride, a lollipop, a puppy? How about a baseball bat, there’s one in my pants?” comes from the song You and I from Bare: A Pop Opera (although I’ve switched it to lacrosse stick for obvious reasons and probably confused everyone who knows the show well enough that the song started playing in their head when they started to read this line). The line “it’s tough to argue with a hard-on” also comes from that song as does “I don’t act” (which was mildly unintentional). 
> 
> Emma’s line “Remember, this is a secret meeting. You don’t want to wake the village. Or the dead.” comes from Sister Joan in the audition scene of Bare: The Musical.
> 
> Quinn’s line “I blinked and it was over” comes from the song Confessions in Bare: A Pop Opera.
> 
> I possibly also owe acknowledgement to one of my college friends for loudly informing me in calculus class that she hated Romeo and Juliet because “Romeo was a player and Juliet was an idiot,” not that she’s ever going to read this. Amusingly, if you had to come up with a person who was the least like Santana in the world, it might be her.


	2. Just Like I Want You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song title for this chapter is from the song "One Kiss".

Kurt watched Sebastian’s lips move as he quietly worked on memorizing his lines. They were both lounging on their respective beds, and Sebastian’s existence was distracting Kurt from the phone conversation he was supposed to be having with his father.

Kurt realized that the line had gone silent, and his father was waiting for an answer to something. “What? Sorry, I got distracted by … an email.”

“I was asking if you still wanted to come home on the 12th for Spring Break,” his father said, a note of fond exasperation in his voice.

“The 12th? That’s Friday, right? That sounds fine,” Kurt replied. He couldn’t think of any reason not to go home Friday.

“Good. Some paperwork came from Notre Dame today, so you’ll have to fill that out when you’re home.”

“Mhm,” Kurt answered, still obviously distracted.

“Alright, kiddo. I’m going to let you go answer your email or whatever,” Burt said.

Kurt smiled. “I love you, dad.”

“I love you, too, Kurt.” He turned off his phone and flopped back on his bed with a sigh. Somehow talking to his father had become especially difficult lately. He wasn’t sure if Burt was picking up on it, but he knew things were weird. These days, every time he spoke to his dad, Kurt couldn’t help but focus on all the details of his life he was avoiding mentioning to make sure his father didn’t find out that he was gay. Now that he’d admitted he loved Sebastian, the lie seemed even bigger.

“So,” Sebastian said, startling Kurt out of his contemplation, “how long to do you think Father Will and Sister Emma have been doing it?”

“Sebastian!” Kurt exclaimed, sitting up. “He’s a priest! She’s a nun! They’re not … they wouldn’t … your brain is a terrifying place.”

“It’s amazing how innocent you still are considering exactly how much first hand evidence I have that you aren’t exactly a blushing virgin,” Sebastian replied. “Come on, you’ve seen the way he looks at her. Do you really think he’s composing a sermon?”

“Do you really think I want to live with the mental image of Father Will and Sister Emma having sex?” Kurt responded.

“Hey, what you choose to picture in your free time is your own business. Whatever gets you going, I guess,” Sebastian said, leaving Kurt with no choice but to launch his pillow across the room as hard as possible, hitting Sebastian squarely in the face.

Sebastian gave the pillow an indignant look. “I’m being abused!”

“I don’t think ‘roommate abuse’ is a real thing, Sebastian,” Kurt giggled.

“Just for that, now you have to run lines with me.” Sebastian hopped off of his bed and crossed over to join Kurt.

He handed the script over and said, “Okay, Act 3, scene 5. Let me know if I get anything wrong.”

They read through the scene a few times with Kurt reading Juliet. Sebastian had the scene pretty close to memorized and, on the third time through, began dramatically overacting the scene to Kurt as he said the lines. Kurt couldn’t help reading it back to him the same way.

“O think'st thou we shall ever meet again?” Kurt read, his voice laden with distress.

“I doubt it not; and all these woes shall serve for sweet discourses in our time to come.” Sebastian threw his arms around Kurt and attempted to dip him backwards.

"O God, I have an ill-divining soul!” Kurt said as dramatically as possible while squirming in Sebastian’s arms. He struggled to keep his script where he could see it as Sebastian lowered him back onto the bed.

“Methinks I see thee, now thou art below, as one dead in the bottom of a tomb:” Kurt gave up fighting Sebastian and lay back. Sebastian moved to hover over him, and Kurt smiled gently, reaching up with his free hand to brush his friend’s hair off of his forehead. “Either my eyesight fails, or thou look'st pale.”

Sebastian gently lowered himself down, pressing Kurt into the mattress. He reached up to tug Kurt’s script out of his hands and throw it across the room. “And trust me, love, in my eye so do you: Dry sorrow drinks our blood. Adieu, adieu!” His voice was soft, and he leaned in to kiss Kurt as he finished the scene.

Kurt broke the kiss after a moment and said, “Sebastian, this scene is really terrible foreplay.”

“What do you mean?” Sebastian said, affronted. “This is totally the sex scene.”

“You’ve read the play, right? This is totally the post sex, ‘we’re never going to see each other again’ scene,” Kurt said with a laugh.

“Well, if you want to get technical about it …” Sebastian rolled his eyes fondly. “I can read the scene with you again after, if that helps your sense of timing.”

Kurt just shook his head, laughing, and reached up to pull Sebastian back down to him. He tangled his fingers in Sebastian’s hair as he deepened the kiss and relaxed into the feel of Sebastian’s hands running over his body. He couldn’t help but smile at the thought of how much he loved this ridiculous boy.

* * *

“I got your text. What’s up?” Sebastian flipped the cafeteria chair next to Lauren around and straddled it.

“I think the chair just wants to be friends, Seb,” she responded without looking up from her PSP.

“Don’t be ridiculous. No one just wants to be friends with me. I have it on good authority that this chair told the couch in the third floor lounge that it was in love with me weeks ago,” Sebastian said with a grin.

“You know, this is a fairly small cafeteria. I’m not sure there’s room for your ego,” she retorted and then shouted “DIE, FUCKER, DIE!” while furiously pressing buttons on the PSP. “Yes!” She shut the PSP off and dropped it in her bag.

“Especially since your ego is already taking up all of the available space,” Sebastian said as if there had been no interruption. “But seriously, what’s up?”

Lauren pulled a small package out of her backpack in response. “I think this is a new record. Nearly two months late!”

Sebastian snorted. If the package was what he thought it was, Lauren was right. Their father’s previous record for forgetting their birthday was only one month. “Well, let’s see what dad’s secretary got us.”

Their father’s gifts were always as generic as possible. This probably had something to do with the fact that Edward Smythe’s secretary had never even met either of her employer’s children. Of course, Sebastian figured she probably still knew them better than their father did. It wasn’t much of a standard to reach.

Lauren pulled two small boxes and an envelope out of the package. She handed one of the boxes to Sebastian and looked at the envelope. “Well, this is a surprise. It comes with a _note_.” She passed the envelope over as well.

Sebastian looked at the note as if it were carrying some sort of deadly communicable disease. “What do you think it is? Anthrax?”

“There’s no way Edward Smythe would poison the only person capable of carrying on his name. Just open the damn letter,” Lauren said.

“He’s going to get an awfully rude surprise when he realizes that I have no desire ever to spawn.”

Sebastian opened the note and read it aloud to his sister: “Dear Sebastian, I was very pleased to hear that you have been accepted to Notre Dame. I have confirmed your enrollment. I knew you would do the Smythe name proud. Edward Smythe.”

Lauren laughed at the signature. “Edward Smythe? Seriously? Who the hell signs a note to their kid with their full name?” She popped open the box with her name on it. “Oooh! Earrings with tiny diamond hearts on them! Just what every girl needs.” She rolled her eyes. Sebastian laughed slightly. His sister’s goth chic wardrobe hardly called for heart shaped anything.

But Sebastian was still rereading his note. _I have confirmed your enrollment_. With a start, he realized that he hadn’t opened his gift. When he opened his box, he saw a pair of gold and navy cufflinks sporting the Notre Dame logo.

Lauren looked over at the box and rolled her eyes. “Well, Sebastian, you’re really a man now! I guess you can now start attending really boring parties and comparing different varieties of thousand dollar scotch.”

Sebastian still looked shell shocked. It wasn’t that he’d forgotten that he was going to Notre Dame. The men in his family had been going to Notre Dame for a hundred years, or close to it. But seeing it printed in black and white – _I have confirmed your enrollment –_ felt like a door slamming shut.

“Sebastian?” Lauren said, noticing his distraction.

“You know I applied to Princeton?” he said in a flat voice. “I just wanted to see if I could get in. I didn’t think I would.” Lauren raised an eyebrow at him questioningly. “I got the email yesterday. I got in.”

“Of course you got in,” her voice took on a sympathetic note that he was unused to, “you’re going to be the valedictorian of one of the top high schools in the country. They’d be idiots not to accept you.”

Sebastian had known he would get in. But it had nothing to do with his grades or their school. He had known he would get in because the universe always seemed to dangle the things he most wanted directly in front of him before reminding him that he couldn’t really have them.

“I know Notre Dame is a great school. I know most people would be lucky to go there. But I don’t want to. I don’t want to ‘do the Smythe name proud’. I got into _Princeton_. I want to go.”

At that his sister reached out and pulled him into a hug over the back of the chair. “I’m sorry,” Lauren said into his shoulder. “I’m sorry you’re the one who has to live with this.”

Sebastian squeezed her tighter and said, “Well, I’m not the one who has to put up with mom’s endless disappointment.”

Lauren pulled back giving him a wry smile. “Aren’t we just the luckiest kids in the whole wide world?”

* * *

“Hey, Hummel!” Kurt groaned inwardly at the sound of his name. It was really far too early to have to deal with Santana. Kurt sighed and crossed over to where she was standing with Brittany and Quinn.

“What’s up, Santana? I have to get to class,” he said, already slightly on the defensive.

“Put the claws away, kitty.” Kurt narrowed his eyes at her and motioned for her to continue. “You know the Lacrosse team is playing St. Michael’s this Friday?”

Kurt nodded. St. Michael’s was Dalton’s biggest rival. Dalton had beaten them for the last two state championships, and everyone hated St. Michael’s on principle. The rivalry was older than Father Will, and even the teachers had pulled Sebastian aside this week to tell him to make sure they didn’t lose this year. Sebastian, Finn, and the rest of the guys had talked about basically nothing else all week. So Kurt definitely knew.

“The Cheerios are going to throw a party in the Senior lounge when we win,” Santana explained. “We’re keeping it a secret from the team. Can you spread the word to Berry, Mercedes, and the rest of the girls in the play?”

“Sure. Rachel will probably offer to make her ‘You Won!’ brownies.” Kurt rolled his eyes.

Santana looked thoughtful. “Any chance of slipping something fun into those brownies?”

Quinn laughed. “Probably not without tying Berry down.”

“I have no moral objection to doing that.” Santana looked a bit gleeful at the idea.

“It’s probably not safe,” Kurt said, figuring he should jump in to save Rachel before Santana got too serious about this plan. “Her screams can wake the dead, and we are trying to keep a secret here. What happens if we lose?”

“There’s no way that Sebastian is going to let us lose to St. Michael’s his senior year,” Quinn said with a smile. Kurt fought the urge to gag. He was seriously over Quinn’s crush on Sebastian.

Santana turned to Kurt and rolled her eyes. Apparently he wasn’t the only one who had noticed. “If we lose, we drink until we forget.”

Kurt laughed. He should have figured. “Alright, I’m in. Let me know if I can help.”

* * *

It turned out that Quinn hadn’t been entirely wrong. St. Michael’s and Dalton were incredibly evenly matched, and they had traded goals for most of the game. In the end, Sebastian had scored five goals, including the game winner in double overtime. It was clear that he really had decided that he absolutely wasn’t willing to lose to St. Michael’s his senior year.

The crowd had gone wild when Sebastian scored the game winner, and Kurt had lost sight of him as the entire team piled on top of him. He’d been hoping to grab Sebastian before they got to the party, but Sebastian had been pulled away by local reporters, and Kurt knew it would be awhile before he and the rest of the team were able to leave. He allowed himself to be carried up to the lounge with the rest of the crowd of students.

Father Will supervised the party for the first half an hour or so. As soon as he seemed to decide that they were in no danger of getting into trouble (a blatantly false assumption), he left. Once they were sure he was gone, alcohol seemed to appear from nowhere. “Now it’s a party!” Santana said, handing Kurt a drink.

When the team finally arrived, everyone cheered again and crowded around them to congratulate them. Kurt hung back. He wasn’t that interested in fighting through dozens of giggling girls to get to Sebastian. He figured Sebastian would find him once the group dispersed.

An hour later, Sebastian still hadn’t managed to get away from his adoring fans and Kurt had yet to talk to him. He sighed and extricated himself from his conversation with Mercedes and Sam to head over to the makeshift bar that had been set up on one of the tables. Puck was already over there, and he looked up from whatever he was making as Kurt approached.

“What can I get you?” he asked, grinning.

Kurt took another look across the room at Sebastian. His roommate was talking to a group of Cheerios. A few of the girls were practically hanging off of him as he appeared to describe the finer points of one of his goals. “Something strong.”

* * *

On his way back from the bathroom, Sebastian nearly ran straight into Kurt who was just standing in the hallway, staring out the window. Kurt looked up at him in surprise, his eyes a little unfocused.

“Sebastian!” Kurt said a bit too loudly and then threw his arms around Sebastian, falling into him.

“Whoa there, tiger,” Sebastian said, steadying Kurt and then disentangling from him. “How many drinks have you had?”

“I dunno,” Kurt said, looking a bit puzzled. “I think Puck was making them.”

“That sounds like a terrible idea,” Sebastian said with a shake of his head. Puck’s idea of making a drink always seemed to involve dumping every kind of liquor he could find into one glass and adding a paper umbrella.

“Seemed like a better idea than watching you flirt with every girl in the room,” Kurt retorted.

Sebastian sighed inwardly. They’d had this conversation a hundred times before, and he was getting tired of it. The barely concealed look of disgust on Kurt’s face every time it happened wasn’t his favorite thing, either. “Kurt, you know it doesn’t mean anything. It keeps people from asking questions. That’s it.”

“I don’t flirt with anyone, and no one ever asks any questions.” Kurt crossed his arms over his chest, and Sebastian could see the glint in his eye that meant he was preparing for a fight.

“Everyone would notice if I stopped, and you know it,” Sebastian said, unable to keep the exasperation out of his voice.

“Well, why does it have to be Quinn?” Kurt asked. “I hate the way she looks at you, like you’re something she can have.”

“Why the fuck does it matter how she looks at me? It’s all bullshit anyways. You and I are real.” Sebastian reached out to grab Kurt’s shoulders. He felt all of Kurt’s anger in the way his muscles tightened up at the contact.

“Kurt, you have to stop acting like this!”

“Like what?” Kurt said, wrenching himself out of Sebastian’s hold. “Your boyfriend?”

Sebastian just looked at him, shocked into silence. Kurt snorted angrily and stalked away, brushing past him to walk out the door and into the night.

Sebastian stared at him as he left. The sound of the door slamming startled him, and he fell back against the wall behind him. He stared down at the floor for a moment, trying to figure out how on earth that conversation had gotten out of hand so quickly.

“What’s up with him?” Sebastian looked up to see Quinn approaching him from the direction of the senior lounge.

“What?” he said, too surprised by her appearance to figure out what she was talking about.

“Kurt? I saw him storm out. He looked pissed.” Quinn giggled. Sebastian looked at her more closely and realized that she was even drunker than Kurt.

“Oh, God, that. He let Puck pour his drinks. Definitely a bad choice,” Sebastian said, hoping he appeared sharper than he actually felt.

Quinn smiled and moved closer to him. She rested her hands against his arms and gazed up at him. “Seems like a good night for bad choices.”

Sebastian bit back a laugh at the absolute irony of the moment. He brought his hands up to rest against Quinn’s waist. “Oh?”

“Don’t you think you deserve a celebratory kiss for your big game winning goal?” she asked and leaned in to press herself against him, moving her hands up to his shoulders and down his chest.

It was a weird feeling to have her touching him. She felt so different from Kurt as he held her. Somehow all he could think of was how much he wished he’d gone out after Kurt and had him in his arms now. “Quinn, you’re wasted. I don’t want to do something you’d regret.”

She pulled back slightly at his words and rolled her eyes. “You can’t possibly be that stupid, Sebastian. I haven’t been able to think of anything but you for months.”

“Why?” he asked, genuine confusion showing on his face.

“I don’t know. You’re a bit of a mystery. I can’t help but think there’s more to you than most of the guys here.”

“Oh, there’s definitely more to me, provided you use the right measurement.” Sebastian leered at her.

“Is that an offer, Sebastian Smythe?” she quipped back. Sebastian laughed and shook his head, knowing he’d set himself up for that one. “Come on. There’s no way I’m letting Dalton’s biggest lacrosse star get away without kissing me.”

“Fine, fine, you win. One kiss,” he said with a grin. She clearly wasn’t going to give up unless he could come up with a better argument. Since he couldn’t, he leaned down to press his lips to hers. It wasn’t the first time he’d kissed a girl. He’d tried it out in middle school, and you couldn’t party as much as he had in high school without getting talked into a few games of Spin the Bottle. Quinn wrapped her arms around his neck and pulled him closer to deepen the kiss. Sebastian wished, as he always did, that he could feel something while she kissed him. It was nice enough, but nothing like the explosions that seemed to go off in his head whenever Kurt so much as looked at him.

Suddenly the door to the lounge banged open, and Quinn jumped away from him. He ran a hand through his hair in an attempt to look innocent.

Artie came through the door. He seemed to deflate slightly as he looked from Sebastian to Quinn. “Can I talk to you, Quinn?”

Sebastian pushed himself away from the wall immediately, relieved to be freed from the situation, but Quinn reached out to him before he could leave. “I’ll talk to you later?”

“Yeah,” he said, “sure, I’ll text you.” And then he practically bolted for the door.

As he retreated to the lounge, he just managed to overhear Artie ask, “What the hell was that all about?”

* * *

Sebastian stayed at the party for another couple of hours before returning to his room. He couldn’t think of any decent excuse for the man of the hour to leave the party early. When he walked in, he found Kurt already in bed. He moved as silently as possible around the room as he got ready to sleep.

When he was finished washing up, he crossed the room and knelt by the head of Kurt’s bed, looking at his friend fondly. Just seeing Kurt, having him nearby and watching him sleep, made Sebastian feel more grounded. Although in this case: “I know you aren’t sleeping,” he said in a whisper. He reached out and ran his hand through Kurt’s hair.

Kurt gave himself away by leaning back into Sebastian’s touch and humming softly. “Mmm. I might have been.”

Sebastian laughed. “You’re a good actor, Kurt. You might have fooled someone else but not me. I’ve been listening to you sleep for nearly four years.”

Kurt opened his eyes more fully to peer at Sebastian through the darkness. “Okay, fine,” he said and then yawned. “I couldn’t fall asleep without knowing you came back.”

Sebastian moved his hand from Kurt’s hair down to tangle their fingers together. He brought the back of Kurt’s hand up to his lips and kissed it gently. “I’m always coming back to you.”

Kurt inhaled sharply and then shifted their joined hands so he could run the back of his hand across Sebastian’s cheek. Sebastian let his eyes flutter closed for a moment and then locked eyes with Kurt again. “Move over?” he asked. He knew it was an unusual request, but, just tonight, he didn’t think he could fall asleep without Kurt in his arms.

Instead of answering, Kurt shifted back against the wall to make room for Sebastian. He crawled into the bed gratefully and pulled Kurt in close. Sebastian stamped down the small voice in his head that told him that this was only a reprieve and that he couldn’t avoid actually talking to Kurt forever. Instead he slid his hand under Kurt’s t-shirt to rub slow circles against his back and smiled as he felt all the tension slowly drain from Kurt’s body. In a few minutes, Kurt’s breathing evened out for real and Sebastian followed him quickly into sleep.

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The exchange "You have to stop acting like this." "Like what? You're boyfriend?" is from the song "Birthday, Bitch!" from Bare: A Pop Opera


	3. And Now That They Haunt You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The chapter title comes from the song “Ever After”.

* * *

Kurt jumped back to avoid getting hit with a badly aimed sword blow once again. “Puck! Pay attention! You’re going to kill me!”

 “Why don’t we start it again from the top of the fight?” Sister Emma asked. Kurt thought she was insane. They didn’t need to start it from the top. They needed to give up before someone got hurt. He had no idea what Sister Emma was thinking when she decided that the last few hours before spring break were a good time to rehearse the fight scene, but clearly it had been a terrible idea. No one was really focusing on what they were doing, and both Sister Emma and Artie were obviously getting frustrated.

Sebastian was glaring at Puck. Kurt wasn’t sure if it was because of Puck’s repeated attempts to seriously injure Kurt or if it had more to do with the fact that Puck was currently the reason they were going so slowly.

They moved back to the beginning of the fight, and Kurt started them off. “O calm, dishonourable, vile submission! Alla stoccata carries it away.” And then he drew his sword and advanced on Puck.

“What wouldst thou have with me?” Puck responded.

Kurt started to circle around Puck as he said his next set of lines. “Good king of cats, nothing but one of your nine lives; that I mean to make bold withal, and as you shall use me hereafter, drybeat the rest of the eight. Will you pluck your sword out of his pitcher by the ears? Make haste, lest mine be about your ears ere it be out.”

Puck drew his sword and began to advance on Kurt. “I am for you.”

Kurt and Puck stopped, waiting for Sebastian to say his line. When nothing happened, Kurt looked back at him and raised an eyebrow.

“Oh,” Sebastian said, “um, line?”

“Seriously, Sebastian?” Artie said, angrily. “You were supposed to have this memorized by now! I know you’re a big deal, but the audience isn’t going to care how many lacrosse games you’ve won if you don’t know any of your lines.”

This appeared to be the final straw for Sebastian. He stalked over to Artie and leaned down to get in his face. “Do you have something to say to me, Abrams?”

“Oh, blow me, Smythe,” Artie said with an eyeroll.

“What the fuck did you just say?” Sebastian shouted, balling his hands into fists.

Suddenly there was a sharp whistle. Sebastian jumped back from Artie in shock. They both looked over at Sister Emma who had made the noise. “Enough!” she said. “Both of you stand down. This is a rehearsal not a rumble. We’re done here. When we get back from spring break, I hope that all of you have decided that this play is more important than your personal problems.”

Kurt walked over and grabbed Sebastian’s arm to pull him away from Artie. He dragged them over to their backpacks before he let Sebastian go. Sebastian flopped into a chair and closed his eyes as Kurt made himself look busy packing up his stuff.

When the room was clear, Kurt stood up and turned to Sebastian. “What the hell was that about?”

Sebastian groaned. “I have no idea.”

Kurt reached out a hand to pull him out of his seat. “Think on the bright side. It is now officially spring break.”

Sebastian narrowed his eyes. “For you. I still have practice. And I’m not leaving until Saturday. And, considering I am spending my spring break being shown off as the ‘perfect Smythe son’, I’m not so excited.”

Kurt looked at Sebastian, and an idea popped into his head. “What if you came home with me? Finn and I are driving back so it isn’t like there are flights involved.”

“Kurt, you know that isn’t a good idea,” Sebastian said, shaking his head. “Your father and stepmother would figure out that something was up with us.”

Kurt thought about the possibility of his father finding out, and, for the first time, it didn’t terrify him. The idea actually seemed like a relief. “I think I want to tell him.”

Sebastian stood up straight. “What? Kurt, you have to be kidding.”

“I’m not kidding, Sebastian. I need him to know. He’s my dad.” Now that the idea was in Kurt’s head, he couldn’t shake it. He didn’t know what Burt’s reaction would be to the news, but suddenly he knew he couldn’t spend another week with his family without telling them the truth. He couldn’t have any more phone conversations where he left out all of the important details of his life.

“Kurt, I know you love your dad. But we can’t tell him,” Sebastian said, shaking his head. “If we tell one person, it’s not a secret any more. If anyone knows, everyone will eventually know.”

Kurt knew this was true; he just wasn’t sure he cared any more. “What if we just stopped lying? What if we told them and it was okay?”

“Wake up. It’s never going to be okay.” Sebastian’s voice was low and angry, but Kurt wasn’t ready to back down this time.

“Things are changing, Sebastian!”

“No, Kurt. No. Things may be changing in New York and Massachusetts and even in the White House, but they won’t change for the Church, and they sure as hell won’t change for my father. Not ever. There are only three things in the world that matter to my father: the Smythe name, his political career, and the Pope’s opinion. And a gay son will NEVER fit with any of those things. Some things don’t change.” By the end of this speech, Sebastian was shouting.

Kurt knew he should backtrack and give Sebastian an out. He knew what Sebastian’s father was like, and he knew that Sebastian was willing to do anything to please him. Kurt had the advantage of being absolutely sure that his father loved him. Burt Hummel was a devout Catholic, but his son’s safety and well being were the most important things in the world to him. Even if his father was angry, Kurt knew that this wouldn’t make Burt stop loving him. Sebastian had no such assurances.

But Kurt had always assumed that, eventually, Sebastian would feel ready to tell his father the truth about them. For the first time, he looked at his future with Sebastian and realized that it might mean keeping this secret forever. The thought was suffocating.  “I can’t spend my entire life hiding. I can’t keep who I really am locked away in our room. I can’t be myself for only a few hours a day!”

“It’s been four years. Why is this suddenly a problem?” Sebastian crossed his arms and glared at Kurt.

“Because I’m drowning!” Kurt said, and he knew that there were tears at the edge of his voice. “Because I feel like I’m disappearing. Because you used to be the one thing that saved me: the one thing that made me whole. But now, hiding something so important is killing me!”

Kurt watched all the anger drain from Sebastian’s face to be replaced with something he couldn’t identify. “Kurt, we have to stop. This thing with us has to stop.”

Kurt felt like he had been hit. He reached out and grabbed Sebastian to stop him from leaving. “Sebastian, no! That’s not the answer, please. We can work this out. We always work things out. That’s not the answer.” Kurt was crying now, and his voice cracked as he pushed to speak through his tears.

“No, Kurt.” Sebastian said. His face was closed off as he looked down at Kurt and pulled Kurt’s hands away from his arm, “I’m sorry. But it’s the only answer.” And with that, he walked out of the room leaving Kurt staring after him.

* * *

When Finn walked back into the rehearsal room in search of his script half an hour later, he found his stepbrother sitting on the floor with his knees pulled up to his chest and tears still in his eyes. Finn dropped his bag unceremoniously on the floor and plopped down next to Kurt. “I’d ask you what’s wrong,” he said, “but I know you won’t tell me. Can I help?”

Kurt looked up at his stepbrother’s earnest face. Suddenly he just felt tired: tired of hiding, tired of fighting, tired of the act, and tired of trying to figure it all out on his own. Finn might not always be the most insightful person, but his heart was in the right place. And he was offering to help. So, for once, maybe it was time for Kurt to let someone other than Sebastian help him, especially since it didn’t seem like Kurt-and-Sebastian-against-the-world was an option right now.

“Do you think … I mean, would you be willing to room with me? Would you mind if I asked Sam to switch?”

Finn looked startled. “Of course I wouldn’t mind. You’re my brother! But why would you want to switch? You and Sebastian have been best friends since day one. Did he do something? Do I need to kick his ass?”

“I really appreciate the thought, Finn,” Kurt said, “but I don’t even want to imagine what Coach Bieste would do to you if you kicked her star attackman’s ass in the middle of the season.” They both laughed at this. “We had a fight. It was both of our faults. I really need to focus on school this last quarter, and fighting with Sebastian will just be a huge distraction. We’ll resolve it, I’m sure. It’ll just be easier if we don’t live together.” Kurt realized that he was probably rambling, but he hadn’t had time to think of a good excuse.

Finn nodded, taking Kurt’s words at face value. “Okay. I’m sure Sam won’t have a problem switching with you. Should I go ask him now, or do you want me to hang out?”

Kurt dragged himself to his feet. “No, I should go pack. We’re leaving right after you finish practice.” He reached his hand out to help Finn up and then pulled his stepbrother into a hug. “Thank you,” he said into Finn’s shoulder.

“You’re welcome,” Finn said, returning the hug. As he walked out of the lounge, he turned back to Kurt. “I’m still hitting him extra hard in practice today. Just in case.” Kurt laughed as he left.

* * *

It was raining when Sebastian finally left the locker room after practice. At this point he figured it might as well rain. It wasn’t like this day could possibly be any worse. After his fight with Kurt, he’d been completely out of it at practice. Coach Bieste had been all over him for playing with “his head up his ass” and had held him back after to read him the riot act. He’d also taken several especially vicious hits from Finn. The new bruises had already been starting to appear when he’d showered and changed.  

Sebastian was still lost in thought when he walked out of the locker room and, as a result, walked straight into Quinn.

“Oh, shit. Sorry, I wasn’t even looking,” he said, reaching out a hand to steady her.

Quinn had looked angry at the initial impact, but, when she saw who had run into her, she smiled and laid a hand on his arm. “No harm done. Everything okay?”

Sebastian wanted to laugh. Everything was about as far from okay as it could conceivably be. “Oh, yeah, fine. Just pissed that everyone else is already gone for break, and I have to be here until tomorrow morning.”

“I feel your pain,” Quinn said with a laugh, “I’m not leaving until later tonight. Want to grab dinner together and keep each other company?”

Sebastian didn’t really want to keep anyone company. He wanted to go back to his room and sulk. But he figured he’d probably upset enough people today and didn’t want to add Quinn to the list. “Sure, I have to go drop this stuff in my room,” he said, gesturing to the lacrosse gear he was holding. “Want to walk with me?”

Quinn nodded and fell into step beside him as they walked outside and started to cross the quad. They chatted about school until they reached Sebastian and Kurt’s room. When he shut the door, he turned to see Quinn biting her lip. He raised an eyebrow at her and she said, “Can I talk to you about something?”

“Sure,” he said and started to put his stuff away.

“I just wanted to say that I’m sorry for how I acted last week at the party. I didn’t mean to put you in a weird position,” she said.

“Don’t be sorry,” Sebastian looked back at her and winked, “I’m not.” It was the kind of response that always made Kurt angry at him.

A moment later, he felt her hand on his back. When he turned around fully to look at her, she left her hand where it was and moved in closer to him. “Good, because I meant what I said to you. I do think about you all the time,” she said, her voice low.

Sebastian reached out to brush her hair away from her face. He ran his thumb over her cheek as he stalled for time, trying to decide what to do. He knew what she was offering him. And, for the first time, he wondered if it was such a bad idea. Sure, she couldn’t make him feel the way that Kurt could. But he couldn’t have Kurt without hurting him or disappointing his father. When he looked at Quinn, he could see everything he was supposed to want: everything he would need to want in order to be who his father expected him to be. He thought that maybe, if he just tried hard enough, he could want her. And what could it hurt to try?

Sebastian tilted Quinn’s face up to him and wrapped his arm around her waist as he leaned in to kiss her. As the kiss intensified, she began to unbutton his shirt. Sebastian took the hint and backed her towards his bed.

* * *

As soon as Quinn left, Sebastian knew that he’d made a huge mistake. Everything with Quinn had felt wrong. It was so obvious in retrospect that trying to be straight wouldn’t solve his problems. Now he’d saddled himself with yet another secret to keep, because Kurt couldn’t find out about this. He knew that Kurt would hate him for it. Yes, he’d told Kurt that they were over, but he hadn’t really meant forever. He’d seen the pain in Kurt’s eyes and had spit out the only solution he could come up with, but he hadn’t really believed it would last. He’d figured that he’d think of some way to make things okay for Kurt, or he’d convince Kurt that being together was more important than telling the truth. Because what did it matter if the only honest parts of their life existed in this room as long as they had each other?

But now he’d brought Quinn in here. He’d broken all of the unspoken promises he’d made to Kurt over the years. Instead of trying to find a way to keep from hurting Kurt, he’d just found one more way to hurt him. He knew that if Kurt found out, there was no way he’d ever forgive Sebastian.

He stripped all the sheets off of his bed and threw them angrily into the laundry. He changed into his pajamas and looked around the room. He knew that he should eat or look at his script, but he couldn’t muster the energy to do anything. Instead he crawled into Kurt’s bed and curled up with his face buried in the pillows. He hoped that the smell of Kurt would comfort him, but it only made him feel like he was breaking. He tried to make himself feel better by remembering that, in a week, Kurt would be back in this bed, and Sebastian would find a way to fix everything. He didn’t know how he’d do it, but he knew he had no choice.

Sebastian lay awake most of the night trying to figure out how he could make everything right. When he tried to sleep, he was unable to shake the image of Kurt’s face when Sebastian pulled away from him and the sound of Quinn’s voice whispering that she loved him.

By the time he got back to his room the following Sunday, all of Kurt’s stuff had been cleared out of his room and replaced with Sam’s.

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think there are no totally direct quotes in this part, but do let me know if I missed anything.


	4. Face the Music, Take a Bow

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The chapter title comes from the song “All Grown Up”.

Kurt was lying on his bed staring at the ceiling on Wednesday when his father got home from the shop. He heard the sound of the front door shutting and knew he should go downstairs for dinner, but he didn’t really feel like eating. He hadn’t done much the last few days but sit in his room and try not to think about Sebastian.

He knew he shouldn’t have pushed Sebastian so hard about telling people, but he also knew that they couldn’t go on lying forever. He was tired of feeling like his entire life was an act. He needed to talk about his relationship with Sebastian. And what did it matter if telling the truth made a mess? Sebastian was his future. If it meant that he and Sebastian could really be together, it would be worth it. And really, how could Father Will and Edward Smythe’s opinions hurt them?

He realized that Sebastian was going to have to come to this conclusion on his own. It was clear that Kurt pushing him was only going to drive Sebastian away, so he’d figured that switching rooms with Sam and giving Sebastian time to figure things out for himself would help. He wished he could convince himself not to be afraid that Sebastian wouldn’t see it. He wanted to have confidence that Sebastian would care enough about Kurt to choose him and the truth over the lie he would have to live to make his father happy. But Kurt had also seen firsthand how hard it was for Sebastian to think about things that way; Sebastian hadn’t been kidding when he had said that he never planned his future. Sebastian’s only plan seemed to be to keep trying to be the perfect son until he earned his father’s love.

It was the one thing that Kurt had been the most afraid of. He had worried that Sebastian would decide to give up on them and decide that he’d rather be with some girl that his father would approve of. He’d been afraid that Sebastian would never realize that he actually had choices. He didn’t have to be the perfect son, and he didn’t have to follow the path that had been laid out for him. Kurt was afraid that, even now that he’d been pushed to the point where he had to see this or lose Kurt, he still wouldn’t figure it out, but Kurt didn’t know what else he could have done.

 Kurt heard footsteps on the stairs and sat up as his father pushed the door open without knocking. “Really kid? I thought you were done with this.”

 “Apparently I’m having a relapse,” Kurt said with a sigh.

 Burt walked over to sit next to Kurt on the bed. “Want to tell me what this is all about?”

 Kurt looked up at his father. The truth was that he did want to tell him He’d fought with Sebastian over it, so he felt like he should have the courage to go through with it. Maybe he couldn’t tell the whole truth, or even most of it, without betraying Sebastian’s trust, but he could tell his father one thing. Fear coursed through Kurt but he knew that it was time.

 “Dad,” he said, taking a deep breath, “I … I’m gay.”

 Burt reached out and rested a hand on his shoulder. “I know, son.”

 “You knew? How?” Kurt was shocked. No one else seemed to know.

 “I’ve known since you were three. The only thing you wanted for your birthday was a pair of sensible heels.” Burt reached out and pulled Kurt into a hug. “I love you, kid. No matter what.”

 For a moment, Kurt couldn’t breathe; he was so relieved. He hadn’t wanted to admit to himself how afraid he was that Burt would be angry at him.

 “I’m sorry if sending you to Dalton made this harder. A Catholic school probably isn’t the easiest place to be when you’re dealing with this kind of thing,” his father said.

 “No,” Kurt said, pulling back from his father’s hug and shaking his head, “I understand why you sent me to Dalton. And you were right.” Kurt knew that he’d been unfair to his father four years ago when Burt had decided to send him away to school. At the time he’d been miserable at the idea of leaving behind everything he was familiar with. He’d felt like his father was abandoning him. Looking back on it now, he knew that Burt had sent him away as a last resort.

Kurt had never really rebounded from his mother’s death. The years in between her funeral and the beginning of high school had been lonely ones. He knew now that he had worried his father. He’d spent most of his free time alone is his room reading or just staring at the ceiling. Even his church group friends, who he’d been close to before his mother got sick, had drifted into being only casual acquaintances. After years of Kurt turning down plans, they’d stopped inviting him.

He’d seen a few therapists, at his dad’s insistence, but he’d never had much to say to them either. Finally Burt had decided to enroll him at Dalton. It was the best decision he could have made. Kurt had been stuck, and his father had seen that no amount of conversation or therapy or prayer was going to help Kurt until something dislodged him. He had needed the change of scenery. He had needed to be somewhere where memories of his mother didn’t lurk around every corner. He’d needed people who didn’t look at him and see his mother’s ghost. And, although it hadn’t been something anyone could have predicted, he’d needed Sebastian.

But his father was also right that Catholic school wasn’t the easiest place to be. “Can I ask you something?”

Burt nodded, and Kurt continued, “What if I decided not to go to Notre Dame?”

At this, Burt did look shocked. After thinking about it for a moment, he said, “Well, we’d probably lose our deposit. But you would still have a couple of weeks to decide to go to a different school. Why wouldn’t you want to go to Notre Dame?”

Kurt bit his lip and looked down at the bed. “I think I wanted to go to Notre Dame for all the wrong reasons. It’s a great school but I think maybe it isn’t the best fit for me.”

“So where do you think is a better fit for you?” Burt asked, smiling.

“Well, I found out two weeks ago that I got into NYU,” Kurt said hopefully.

Burt looked at him seriously. “And you’re sure about this? Because you aren’t going to be able to change your mind again.”

Kurt matched his father’s gaze. “I am sure this time, Dad. I’m really sure.”

“Okay, kid. I’ll give Notre Dame a call.” Burt grinned as Kurt threw his arms around him again. “But there is one condition: You have to come out of your room.”

* * *

Sebastian had been back at school just long enough to realize that Kurt had moved in with Finn when Quinn showed up at his door.

“Hey, Sebastian,” she said from his doorway.

“Hey,” he said, continuing to glare at Sam’s unfamiliar posters.

“How was your break? I didn’t hear from you.” Sebastian could tell that she was trying to sound casual, but it wasn’t a casual question.

He’d been too busy worrying about Kurt to worry about Quinn over break. “Oh shit, sorry, Quinn. I’m an asshole.”

“No, I mean, it’s okay. I just wanted to make sure you weren’t mad at me,” Quinn said nervously.

Sebastian smiled at her. “Nope, not mad. I just got busy saying ‘how high’ whenever my father said ‘jump.’”

Quinn crossed the room to stand next to him. “Good. Because I wanted to thank you for that night. Most of the time when I’m with a guy it doesn’t really mean anything. But being with you was so different. When I’m with you, I feel like someone actually might love me and see me as more than just disposable.” Sebastian turned to stare at her as she continued. “Please tell me you feel the same way.”

For once, Sebastian had no idea what to say. He hadn’t really bothered to consider how she would feel about all of this. “Quinn, I … shit. Look, you’re amazing. You really are. And you deserve to have someone love you. You have no idea how much I wish it could be me.”

“What do you mean?” Quinn asked, looking up at him in shock.

“I can’t be with you, I’m sorry. I really wanted to. I thought I could. But I just can’t.” Sebastian couldn’t keep having this conversation. He knew she deserved an explanation, but he couldn’t give her one. So instead he turned to leave.

“Wait, Sebastian!” she said, starting to walk after him.

“I’m sorry, Quinn. I really am,” he said, and then he left her standing alone in the middle of his room looking stunned.  

* * *

A few days later, Sebastian finally cornered Kurt outside of rehearsal. “What the fuck, Kurt? I came back to school to find that you’d moved out, and now you won’t even talk to me?”

“Not here!” Kurt hissed, and he dragged Sebastian into an empty classroom. “Aren’t you the one who is so intent on keeping this secret? You’d think you’d try to be more discreet.”

“Well, it isn’t so easy for me to get you alone since you _moved out without telling me_ ,” Sebastian said, glaring at Kurt.

“What did you expect me to do?” Kurt asked angrily. “You told me we were over! I figured I should give you some space.”

“Moving out without talking to me is an awful lot of space.” Sebastian seemed to deflate. He slumped back against the door.

Kurt realized that Sebastian looked tired. He sighed and crossed to stand a bit closer to Sebastian. “I don’t understand what you expected me to do.”

Sebastian looked down at the floor as he massaged the back of his neck with one hand. Kurt waited for him to speak. After a minute, Kurt reached out and rested a hand on his arm. “Sebastian …”

Sebastian looked up and met his eyes. “I was scared, Kurt. You were telling me that you weren’t okay, and I couldn’t think of any other solution.”

“Did you really think that telling me we had to stop was going to make it okay?” Kurt said with a sigh.

“Not really.” Sebastian rolled his eyes. “I wasn’t thinking very clearly. You were saying that being with me and keeping it a secret was hurting you, and I … I couldn’t tell anyone. So not being with you seemed like the only solution.”

“But now it doesn’t?” Kurt asked, raising one eyebrow.

“I just need more time, Kurt. I don’t have a solution right now, but I will think of one if you give me the chance.” Sebastian looked at him hopefully. It was so much harder to remember that he was supposed to give Sebastian room to think when Sebastian was standing right in front of him looking at him like that.

But there was one thing Kurt had to know. “Everyone is saying you slept with Quinn. Did you?”

Something flashed through Sebastian’s eyes, but it was gone before Kurt could process it. He smiled and said, “Of course not. There are always rumors about me. Comes with the territory, I guess. But this one isn’t any more true than the rest of them were. It’s always been just you. It always will be.”

Kurt felt his resolve crumble. He stepped in to Sebastian and brought his hand up to Sebastian’s cheek to pull him in for a kiss. Sebastian wrapped his arms around Kurt and pulled him in tightly. He kissed Kurt frantically, as if he’d been afraid he might never have another chance.

After a few minutes, Kurt pulled back. Sebastian tried to chase his lips to pull him back in for another kiss, but Kurt put a hand on his chest. “We’re late for rehearsal. We have to go.”

Sebastian sighed and straightened himself out. “Okay, I’ll leave. If there’s no one in the hallway, you can follow.”

* * *

Kurt slipped into the room just as Sister Emma was starting rehearsal. “Okay, everyone. We’re going to work through Act 2, Scene 6 today, which means I’ll be working with Sebastian, Finn, Lauren, and Quinn. The rest of you, Mike is going to work on the dancing for the party scene.”

“Quinn is AWOL,” Santana said from the corner.

Sister Emma looked confused. “AWOL?”

“She’s. Not. Here. I haven’t seen her since lunch,” Santana explained.

“That’s weird. Artie, can you go see if you can find her?”

Artie nodded and left the room.  

“Finn, Sebastian, we can get started without her,” Sister Emma said.

Sebastian and Finn moved to join her, while Kurt went to the other side of the room with everyone else. Kurt tried to focus on Mike as they worked through the dance sequence, but he couldn’t help sneaking glances over at Sebastian.

After a few minutes, Sister Emma had reached Juliet’s first line, but Artie still hadn’t returned with Quinn. “Sugar, you’re Juliet’s understudy. You can play Juliet for now.”

Sugar bounced across the room to join Lauren for their entrance. Kurt watched them out of the corner of his eye as Finn continued the scene. “Here comes the lady: O, so light a foot will ne'er wear out the everlasting flint: A lover may bestride the gossamer that idles in the wanton summer air, and yet not fall; so light is vanity.”

Sugar paused, clearly thinking about her line. “Good even … good evening …” she started, “I know it, I promise. Good evening…”

Kurt sighed and pulled away from Rachel, who he’d been dancing with. Clearly, Sugar didn’t know the part. “Good even to my ghostly confessor,” Kurt finished for her.

Sister Emma looked over at him. “Do you know the whole scene?” When he nodded, she said, “Come over here and play Juliet then!”

“Kurt can’t be Juliet. He’s a guy!” Sugar exclaimed.

“Kurt is a unicorn,” Brittany said from the other side of the room, “that means he can be whatever he needs to be.”

Kurt looked over at Brittany thoughtfully. Most of the time he felt like Brittany was living on a different planet from the rest of them, but every once in a while he wondered if she saw more than anyone else.

Kurt crossed the room to stand next to Sebastian, who raised an eyebrow at him. Kurt just shrugged and took his place beside Lauren.

When Sister Emma motioned for them to start, Kurt said his first line again. “Good even to my ghostly confessor.”

“Romeo shall thank thee, daughter, for us both,” Finn said with a slight laugh.

The next bit of blocking called for Juliet to reach a hand out to Romeo. Kurt moved hesitantly as he spoke. “As much to him, else is his thanks too much.”

Sebastian looked over at Sister Emma, and she nodded to him so he took Kurt’s hand. “Ah, Juliet, if the measure of thy joy be heap'd like mine and that thy skill be more to blazon it, then sweeten with thy breath this neighbour air, and let rich music's tongue unfold the imagined happiness that both receive in either by this dear encounter.”

Kurt couldn’t help but think about the strange irony of finally getting to hold Sebastian’s hand in public because they were acting. He tried to focus only on his lines as he spoke them and not on the feel of Sebastian’s hand in his. “Conceit, more rich in matter than in words, brags of his substance, not of ornament: They are but beggars that can count their worth; but my true love is grown to such excess I cannot sum up sum of half my wealth.” Sebastian squeezed his hand imperceptibly as Kurt said his last line.

“Come, come with me, and we will make short work; for, by your leaves, you shall not stay alone till holy church incorporate two in one,” Finn said and crossed to stand in front of the chair that was serving as a pretend alter until the set was finished.

Instead of exiting at the end of the scene and getting married off stage, Sister Emma had directed Romeo, Juliet, and Friar Laurence to mime a wedding ceremony. Sebastian pulled Kurt’s hand slightly to get him to cross over to where Finn stood and kneel in front of the imaginary alter. As Finn made the sign of the cross above their heads, Kurt snuck a glance at Sebastian. For a moment, he could picture how it would go. Sebastian and Kurt would get married somewhere far away from Ohio, New York City or maybe Boston, in some fabulous location. They’d wear complementary (but not matching) tuxes. Mercedes would be his maid of honor, and Lauren would be Sebastian’s. Rachel would insist on singing at the reception. Burt would cry and then swear that he hadn’t, but Kurt would know better. Kurt would kiss Sebastian in front of everyone they knew, and Sebastian would look at Kurt with nothing but love and joy. All of the strain of living a lie would be a distant memory.

Kurt scolded himself for daydreaming. He couldn’t afford to get lost in a fantasy right now. He turned his attention to Finn as his stepbrother finished the scene. Sebastian pulled away from him as soon as it was over.

“Thanks Kurt!” Sister Emma said. “Why don’t we go ahead and work on scenes that Juliet isn’t in until Artie finds Quinn. You can go back to dancing.”

Kurt took his place with the other dancers as Lauren, Finn, and Sebastian started to work on the scene where Friar Laurence told Romeo he’d been banished. After a few more minutes, they were interrupted by Artie who came back to tell Sister Emma that he couldn’t find Quinn. Sister Emma looked concerned but continued on with rehearsal.

Half an hour later, rehearsal ended, and Kurt went to pack up his stuff. As he pulled his bag over his shoulder, Sister Emma appeared beside him. “Kurt, would you mind helping me carry the props back to my office?” Kurt agreed, of course, and grabbed a box full of swords.

Once he’d set the box down in her office, he turned to leave but saw that Sister Emma had shut the door. “Listen Kurt,” she said, “I think we need to talk.”

A stab of fear ran through Kurt. He had no idea what Sister Emma wanted to talk to him about, but it couldn’t be anything good.

Instead of sitting down across the desk from him, Sister Emma turned to dig through a pile of pamphlets sitting on one of the shelves. In a moment, she seemed to find what she was looking for. She turned to him and handed him one with the title _So You’re In A Secret Relationship …_

Kurt looked up at her in horror. “This is … I don’t understand why you would give me this.”

“Kurt,” she said softly, “I’m a nun; I can see what is going on with you.”

Kurt was reeling. He couldn’t even begin to understand how she had figured it out. “Am I in trouble?”

“No, of course not! You’re not in trouble, and I’m not going to tell anyone. I just wanted you to know that I’m here if you ever want to talk.”

Kurt was stunned. It had been one thing for his father to support him when he found out, but Kurt had never imagined that any of the teachers at Dalton would accept him. At best, he’d expected that they’d offer to pray for him if they ever found out. Sebastian was convinced that they’d be kicked out of school. For the first time, it occurred to him that Sebastian might be wrong about this too. If even a nun was willing to reach out to a gay student, maybe the Church could change some day.

He surprised himself by reaching out and hugging Sister Emma. She was clearly startled, but she hugged him back awkwardly. “Thank you,” he said as he pulled away, “I’ll be sure to keep that in mind.”

As he started to leave the room, Emma spoke again. “Kurt, before you go, I just want you to remember one thing.” He looked back at her and she continued, “Don’t ever let anyone convince you to be something you’re not.”

Kurt wasn’t sure what to make of this, but he nodded and thanked her again as he left.

* * *

Quinn was sitting on her bed staring at her hands when Lauren walked in. She’d been wandering campus for the last few hours thinking that it might help the truth sink in, but it hadn’t really done anything.

The sound of the door opening startled her. She hadn’t spoken to a single person since she found out. It felt like a lifetime.

“Hey,” Lauren said, flopping onto her bed, “What happened today? You missed rehearsal and now you’ve been replaced by Kurt as Juliet. He’s pretty good, actually.”

Quinn felt like Lauren was speaking gibberish. Nothing she said made any sense. When Quinn didn’t respond, Lauren sat up and looked at her. “Quinn, are you okay? You look terrible.”

Quinn laughed dryly. “Wow, thanks Lauren.”

“Whatever. What’s going on?” Quinn couldn’t figure out how it would hurt to tell Lauren anyways. Everyone would know soon enough.

“It’s just that you always think it can’t happen to you.” She pulled her knees to her chest and tried to make herself smaller. “I’m near the top of our class. I’m going to Yale. I’m too smart for this! I’m not that girl.”

Lauren’s eyes were wide as she stared at Quinn. “You’re not …”

Quinn nodded. “I’m pregnant.”

“Jesus Christ.” Lauren crossed the room to sit next to Quinn and tentatively put a hand on her back.

“And you know that everyone will say that I ruined his life. No one will care that I had plans too or that he was an equal participant!” Quinn’s numbness was fading into anger. “They’ll just say that I’m the girl who ruined Sebastian Smythe’s future.”

Quinn felt Lauren’s hand tense on her back. “Sebastian?”

Quinn closed her eyes. She definitely shouldn’t have said that to Lauren before she told Sebastian. But it was too late to fix it now. “He’s the only person I’ve slept with in months. I’m completely sure.”

“I didn’t realize you actually slept with him,” Lauren said carefully.

Quinn nodded miserably. “I thought I was in love with him.”

“Oh, Quinn.” Lauren sighed. “With Sebastian, really? You couldn’t have chosen someone who could actually love you back.”

“It seemed like he did!” Quinn said loudly. “He knew how I felt, and he acted like he felt the same way, too. But after, well, he was just the same as everyone else.”

“I’m really sorry my brother’s an ass.” Lauren shook her head. “I’m sorry for you both.”

The two of them sat quietly for a few minutes with Lauren’s arm wrapped around Quinn. When the alarm on Lauren’s phone went off, she swore. “Shit, I have a meeting of the Magic the Gathering club. But I can skip it?”

“No,” Quinn sighed, “you should go. I wouldn’t mind being alone to think, honestly.”

“Okay,” Lauren said, “but text me if you need anything?”

Quinn nodded as Lauren left the room. She lay on her bed for an hour trying to figure out what she was going to do. It was obvious what her options were, but none of them seemed workable. Finally, she decided that she couldn’t make this decision on her own. She pulled out her phone to text Sebastian.

To Sebastian (5:30pm):  
Where are you? We need to talk.

 From Sebastian (5:37pm):  
Senior lounge.

Quinn took off for the lounge immediately. When she passed Artie in the hall, he tried to stop her to talk, but she blew by him without a word.

* * *


	5. Seeking Some Lost Answer

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Remember those trigger warnings from Chapter 1? This is where you want to start heading them.  
> The chapter title is from “Once Upon A Time”

Sebastian was waiting for Kurt when he got Quinn’s text. He sighed as he told her where he was, hoping that he could get rid of her before Kurt arrived. Now that he finally had Kurt talking to him again, he didn’t need Quinn to screw it up by spilling something about what they’d done together.

When Quinn walked in, he stood up. “What’s this about, Quinn? I don’t really have time today.”

“I’ll try not to take up too much of your precious time, Sebastian. But we need to talk about that night.” Quinn crossed her arms and stared him down.

Sebastian rolled his eyes. He couldn’t believe they were going to have this conversation again. “Look Quinn, I’m sorry, but we’ve been over this. I’m sorry I don’t have feelings for you, but I don’t, and I don’t have time for this.”

“Don’t flatter yourself. I’m not here to beg you to love me. And I suggest you make time, because this is just as much your responsibility as it is mine.” Quinn’s voice was icy.

Sebastian just shrugged at her. He had no idea why she was being so dramatic. “What the fuck are you talking about, Quinn?”

“I’m pregnant, you idiot,” She said angrily.

Sebastian’s eyes widened. He felt like he had been punched. Quinn couldn’t be pregnant. She just couldn’t. “Why are you doing this to me?”

“Doing this to you?” Quinn looked like she was ready to start throwing things at him, but Sebastian didn’t care. If what she was saying was true, his life was over. His father would disown him. And he had no idea what Kurt would do.

Suddenly he heard Artie’s voice from the doorway. “I don’t know what you and Kurt do, Sebastian, but when you sleep with a girl you have to use a condom.”

Sebastian felt a chill run down his back. How could Artie possibly know? He and Kurt were careful. He looked over and saw Quinn staring wide eyed at Artie. Before he could think of any way to get himself out of this, he heard the door behind him open.

He turned slowly, knowing who it would be and dreading it. “Hey, Sebastian, I’m sorry I’m …” Kurt trailed off as he looked from Sebastian to Quinn to Artie. “What’s going on?”

Artie laughed. “Oh perfect, you’re here. Do you want to tell him, Sebastian, or should I?”

Sebastian was terrified now. He said the only thing he could think of. “I don’t know what the hell you’re talking about.”

Artie shook his head. “Really, I think it would be better coming from you but okay.” He shifted his gaze to Kurt. “It’s a funny story. Quinn’s knocked up, and your boyfriend’s the father.”

Sebastian watched as Artie’s words landed. Kurt inhaled sharply and turned to stare at Sebastian. He opened his mouth as if he was going to speak, but no words came.

Then Artie continued to speak in that same almost bored tone. “I have to hand it to you two. I knew you were good actors, I helped cast you both in the play after all, but I had no idea how good until I saw you kissing on Jeff’s lawn.”

“You’re lying!” Sebastian shouted.

Artie shook his head. “I’m not the liar here. You are.”

Sebastian looked from Quinn’s horrified face to Kurt’s. He tried to control the panic that was rising in him. There had to be something he could do to get things back under control. But what?

Then Lauren walked into the room. “Hey, guys, have you seen … oh.” She seemed to notice the tension in the room and looked over at Quinn. “You told him?”

Lauren’s question seemed to unfreeze Quinn, but she didn’t answer. Instead, she turned to Sebastian. “You and Kurt? Are you fucking kidding me?” she spit out at him. Across the room, Sebastian saw Lauren’s eyes widen as Quinn continued, yelling now. “So what was I then? An experiment? Well, I hope you found it helpful.” With that, she turned and stormed out of the room without looking at Lauren or Artie.

Artie shot one more glare at Sebastian and then followed Quinn out the door.

As they left, Sebastian heard Kurt take a shuddering breath. He turned back to see Kurt looking like he was going to be sick. “Kurt,” he said quietly, “I’m sorry.”

At his apology, Kurt stood up straight. His face flushed as he looked at Sebastian with narrowed eyes. “You lied to me.” His voice was quiet, and he looked angrier than Sebastian had ever seen him. “This was supposed to be the one thing in our entire lives that was real, and you turned it into a lie.”

“Kurt, please!” Sebastian said. He knew he sounded desperate, but he needed Kurt to stay with him. He didn’t think anyone else could help him.

Kurt just shook his head. “I can’t deal with you right now.” Then he crossed the room and left. Sebastian wanted to go after him, but he couldn’t think of anything to say.

Lauren watched Kurt as he left and then looked at Sebastian. “Holy shit,” she said to him. Sebastian just stared back at her for a moment. He felt like his brain was running impossibly slowly, but as he looked at her he processed what she’d said when she walked into the room.

“You knew? You knew, and you didn’t tell me?”

“No, Sebastian, I only –” But he didn’t let her finish. He stormed out the door.

* * *

Half an hour later, Sebastian was standing in the courtyard in the dark. He couldn’t quite remember how he’d gotten out there. Everything since Quinn had walked into the senior lounge seemed like a blur.

He looked up at the soft light from the church windows above him and tried to remember what it had felt like to believe in God. He tried to remember the certainty that he’d felt as a child when he could walk into confession and be sure that he would be forgiven. He didn’t even know when he lost that faith. It had happened slowly, over days and months and years of growing understanding that when the priests called homosexuality an abomination they were talking about him. At first, he’d hoped he could change. He’d even prayed for it. But his prayers hadn’t been answered, and, after a while, they had turned into anger.

Now though, it seemed like he had nothing left. Kurt had rejected him, Lauren had lied to him, and he had no doubt how his father would react when he found out about all of this. There was something calming about the huge structure of the church looming over him in the dark. He knew that it would be quiet inside, and that he would be able to take a moment to try to figure out what to do. Maybe, if he was lucky, he could find something to hold on to. It wasn’t as if he had many options. It occurred to him that, perhaps, it wasn’t God’s existence that he’d lost faith in; it was God’s love.

Sebastian crossed the courtyard and pulled open the unlocked side door to the church. As he shut the door and turned around, he saw Father Will sitting in the last row of pews. The priest turned around and looked up at the sound. Sebastian hadn’t expected anyone to be there, but, now that Father Will had seen him, he had no choice but to walk further into the room.

“Sebastian? Are you okay?” Father Will said.

Sebastian shook his head. “Can you take my confession?”

“Of course. You know I’m always here if you need me.” Father Will motioned for Sebastian to sit beside him on the pew.

Once Sebastian was settled, he took a deep breath. He had thought this would help, but now he couldn’t imagine where to begin. He’d done so many things that he knew the Church believed were sins, but he wasn’t sure if he was sorry for any of them.

“I don’t know if I can be forgiven for all of this.” His voice was barely above a whisper, but Father Will heard him.  
“There’s nothing that God won’t forgive you for.”

He tried to think of a way to tell Father Will what the problem was without actually saying the words. Finally he gave up and, for the first time in his life, said, “I’m gay.”

He felt Father Will shift away from him slightly at this revelation. “I don’t want to be, I swear. I don’t know what to do!”

“I know you’re afraid, Sebastian,” Father Will said quietly. “Please know that God is with you. With Him you can be strong. You can overcome this and find your way back to Him.”

Sebastian slumped down. “Are those really my choices? Change or be damned? Because I can’t change, Father. I’ve tried. I didn’t choose this!”

“I want to help you, Sebastian, but there’s only so much I can say. You’re so young. Nothing is written in stone yet. But in order for God to forgive you, you have to repent. You have to truly desire forgiveness and commit to living a righteous life.”

Sebastian closed his eyes. “So you’re saying that I’m not okay?”

Father Will was quiet.

“Am I okay?” Sebastian asked again.

“Sebastian, pray for strength, and I’m sure God will help you understand,” Father Will said.

Sebastian was frustrated with the priest’s hesitance. He opened his eyes and glared at Father Will. “Just answer the question! Am I okay?”

Father Will stood up. “No! I’m sorry, Sebastian. I wish I had the answer you want. But no, it’s not okay. The teaching is clear. You cannot follow God if you won’t give up on your sin. You will have to find strength in the Church.”

Sebastian wasn’t sure why he was surprised. He had known what Father Will would say. He knew what the Bible said. But somehow, he’d managed to fool himself into believing that God could love him as he was.

“I have some work I need to do,” Father Will said, “but you can stay here as long as you need. I will pray that you will let the Lord guide you in this.”

* * *

By the next morning, somehow everyone in the school seemed to know what had happened. Everywhere Kurt went, people seemed to stop whispering the moment he walked by. He noticed that everyone seemed to be staring at Sebastian. Normally Sebastian would have laughed at them, daring them to talk about him, but today he kept his head down and seemed to sink further in on himself. Kurt wanted desperately to comfort him, but he was still so angry, and he had no idea how he would go about approaching Sebastian in public now.

Kurt made it to lunchtime without having to speak to anyone, but on his way to the cafeteria his luck ran out. He was walking by an empty classroom when, before he knew what was happening, an arm shot out and dragged him in. His heart sped up as he heard the door shut behind him. But, as his eyes adjusted to the light, he saw who his kidnapper was. “Good lord, Mercedes! Are you trying to kill me?”

Mercedes stood with her hands on her hips, giving him the most terrifying glare she could muster. “Boy, you had better start explaining.”

Kurt settled himself down onto a desk and said, “Can we at least turn the lights on? It’s creepy in here.”

Mercedes flipped the switch and walked back over to him. “So are you and Sebastian really a thing?”

Kurt sighed. “Not right now, I don’t think, but we were. I understand if you hate me.”

She looked at him started. “Hate you? Because you’re gay?” He nodded. “Oh, baby, no. Of course not. That’s how god made you. I don’t care what Father Will says.”

At that, Kurt dropped his head into his hands and let the tears he’d been holding in since the night before fall. He wasn’t even sure why he was crying. It was part anger at Sebastian for messing things up with them, part anger at Artie for being unable to keep his mouth shut, part fear at what the fallout was going to be, and part relief that it was all out on the table and that there was nothing left to hide.

Mercedes rubbed his back while he cried, and when he was done he sat up and threw his arms around her.

When she pulled back, she said, “Alright, I wasn’t kidding about you telling me what’s been going on with you. How long have you and Sebastian been a thing?”

Kurt took a deep breath. “The whole time.”

Mercedes looked stunned. “What do you mean the whole time? Since freshman year?” He nodded. “Wow.” She shook her head as if trying to process this new information. “Wow. How did no one find out for three and a half years?”

“It’s really easy to hide something that people aren’t expecting to see,” he said with a shrug. “I mean, we worked pretty hard to keep it a secret, but I still don’t think we’d have been successful if anyone was really looking.”

“That’s crazy intense,” she said. “Wait! Is that why … Notre Dame?”

He nodded. “But I’m not going any more. I withdrew my deposit. I’m going to NYU.”

“So it really is over between you and Sebastian then?” she asked.

Kurt thought about this for a moment. He knew that it wasn’t about it being over between them. But how could he possibly explain how he knew that it wasn’t? “I don’t think it will ever really be over between us, ‘Cedes,” he said. “As crazy as it sounds, he’s the love of my life.”

“It doesn’t sound crazy,” she said, taking his hand.

“It’s just that … I have to go to NYU. It’s where I belong. And Sebastian has to figure out who he’s going to be. I do think we’re going to be together forever, but it can’t be because I tried to fit myself into whatever bit of room there is for me in the life that Edward Smythe has planned for his son. And that’s what it would be if I went to Notre Dame. Does that make sense?”

She nodded and motioned for him to keep going.

“When Sebastian works out that he doesn’t have to fit into the role that his father wants him to play, I know he’ll come back to me. And, after yesterday, I don’t think he has much of a choice but to figure it out. Everyone knows about us now. And Quinn … god, that’s a mess. But the ‘perfect son’ ship has sailed. And when Sebastian has worked through all that and is ready to actually deal with his future, I know we’re it.”

Mercedes studied him. “That’s an impressive amount of confidence.”

He nodded. “It’s been an impressive four years.”

His stomach growled, and Mercedes laughed. “Okay, I’ve kept you from your meal long enough. Let’s go to lunch.”

Kurt refused to let her go. “I can’t! What if all of our friends hate me?”

“Why don’t we give them a chance?”

* * *

Kurt didn’t actually make it to lunch. When they stopped by his locker so he could put his books away, he found Sebastian leaning against it.

“Give me a minute, okay?” He said to Mercedes, “I’ll catch up with you later.”

Mercedes nodded and left the two of them alone. Kurt looked Sebastian up and down as he waited for the hallways to clear. He didn’t think he’d ever seen Sebastian look so exhausted. Kurt crossed his arms to keep himself from reaching out to Sebastian and waited for him to speak.

When they were completely alone, Sebastian sighed and leaned his head back against the locker. “Thank God, they’re gone.”

Kurt shook his head. “It’s amazing. I’ve never been so interesting in my entire life.”

Sebastian gave Kurt a small smile, but it didn’t last very long. “I talked to Father Will.”

“You did? What did he say?” Kurt was shocked to hear this. Sebastian hadn’t had much use for the Church in years.

Sebastian snorted. “Exactly what you’d imagine. Pray the gay away.”

“Oh.” Kurt wished Sebastian had gone to Sister Emma instead. She would have said something that might actually help him. Or at least not made things worse. “I’m sorry, Sebastian.”

They were both silent for a moment, and then Sebastian seemed to decide something. “Kurt, would you leave with me?”

“What?” Kurt had no idea what he’d been expecting Sebastian say, but it hadn’t been that.

“We could get out of here and just run so far away that it wouldn’t matter what any of them thought,” Sebastian said. “Please, Kurt, let’s just go.”

A small part of Kurt wanted to agree, to drop everything else and get Sebastian out of here. But he knew he couldn’t. “Sebastian, we can’t. We’ve finally stopped hiding; now isn’t the time to run. My life is here. My future is here. I can’t just throw it away.” He couldn’t take steps backwards. If things were going to work between them, they had to be able to deal with their real lives and stop living in a fantasy.

“Okay,” Sebastian said quietly, “yeah, I understand.” But Kurt could tell he didn’t.

 

* * *

Sebastian was sitting in the courtyard staring up at the church once again, although this time he remembered how he got there. After Kurt had walked away from him, he’d gone to find Puck and then made his way outside. It was early May by now, and the warm breeze on Sebastian’s face stood in sharp contrast to the storm raging inside of him.

He’d spent the last day trying to figure out a way to put things right. Every time he tried to line things up, he realized it was hopeless. Everyone knew about his relationship with Kurt. There was no way to hide it or fix it. And he had no idea what Quinn was going to do. Whatever she did, it wouldn’t be his decision.

His father would know soon enough, and he would be furious. Sebastian had made a mess of everything and, worse, had allowed all of Dalton to find out. There was no way of keeping his secrets now. At best, his father would only disown him. Sebastian didn’t want to think of where else Edward Smythe’s anger might lead.

When he thought about facing his father, about telling him or about waiting until he found out, the quiet hum of anxiety and fear that Sebastian had lived with for as long as he could remember grew to a roar. He felt like he couldn’t hear anything over the noise. And the voice inside him told him to run, run away; leave before he had to face his father’s rage and his mother’s disappointment.

He’d wanted to listen. He’d tried to take Kurt and go. But Kurt wouldn’t come with him, didn’t love him anymore, couldn’t go. Still, running was his only choice. He couldn’t put the pieces back together to fit into the future he was supposed to have. Eighteen years of his parents plans and eighteen years of making sure he never stepped far enough out of line to cause any notice were all gone. There was nothing left of that now to hold on to.

The only option left open to him was to get away before he had to face the disaster that he’d managed to create. If Kurt wouldn’t leave with him, well, there was more than one way to run.

He stuck his hand in his pocket to feel the small bottle that Puck had given him. Just the feel of the bottle in his hand, the knowledge of what it represented, seemed to quiet the storm inside of him, at least a little bit. And with that quiet, he knew what he had to do.

Sebastian pulled the bottle out of his pocket and watched the afternoon sunlight reflect off the glass and the pale blue liquid. He took a deep breath, pulled the stopper out, and drank it all as quickly as he could. It was too soon to feel the drug’s calming effect but still, for the first time in as long as he could remember, the panicked noise inside of him was silent.

He felt free. There was an unaccustomed lightness to his body. And it occurred to him that there was one more thing left for him to do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... deep breath. Feel free to yell at me. I can take it. 
> 
> "Why are you doing this to me?" is from Promise.


	6. Guide You Home

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The chapter title comes from "No Voice".

After their conversation in the hallway during lunch, Kurt hadn’t expected to hear from Sebastian for a while so he was surprised when he was cornered outside of rehearsal again.

“Kurt, can we talk for a minute?” Sebastian asked.

Kurt sighed. “We have rehearsal, Sebastian. Can’t it wait?”

He could tell by the determined look on Sebastian’s face that it wasn’t really worth fighting about it. “No, I don’t think so. It’s important, and I don’t know when else we’ll have a chance.”

Kurt nodded, and Sebastian grabbed his arm to pull him into the same classroom as the day before. He could hardly believe that it had only been a day. The whole world had changed in the last twenty four hours, and somehow he was still standing in this classroom with Sebastian. It occurred to Kurt that he’d spent far too much time over the last few days getting dragged off for private conversations.

“Okay, what did you want to talk about?” Kurt tried to control the frustration in his voice, but he knew he hadn’t done very well.

“I’m sorry, Kurt. I’m sure you’re tired of this, but I realized there was something I forgot to say. I wanted to say it while I still had the chance.”

Kurt raised one eyebrow at Sebastian, and he continued. “Do you remember the day we met?”

“Of course I remember.” Kurt laughed. He had no idea where Sebastian was going with this.

Sebastian paced as he spoke. “I just wanted to make sure you knew that you changed my life that day. As soon as you walked into our room, looking so mad you might actually burst into flame, it was like I just knew that no one else would ever be as important to me as you. I wanted you to know, whatever else happens, that you were the best part of my life, and that I don’t regret a minute of it.”

Of all the things Kurt would have guessed that Sebastian might have dragged him in here to say, he’d never have imagined this. Sebastian never spoke this frankly about them if he could avoid it. If he said what he was feeling, it always seemed to be sort of an accident.

Kurt crossed the room to put his hand on Sebastian’s shoulder to stop his pacing. “Sebastian, I don’t regret any of it either.” At this, Sebastian looked at him in surprise. “Did you really think I could? I think maybe you saved my life. I don’t even know where I would be without you. This isn’t easy, but I never really thought it would be. It’s still going to be you and me in the end. I know you have a lot to deal with, but when you figure it out I’m going to be waiting for you.” Kurt hadn’t meant to say all of this, but he’d seen the tears welling in Sebastian’s eyes, and he couldn’t hold it back.

Sebastian reached out and cupped Kurt’s face in his hands. Kurt stood still, trying to keep his breathing even as Sebastian rubbed his thumbs across Kurt’s cheek bones. “I love you,” Sebastian said in a voice barely above a whisper, “I have always loved you. Please don’t ever forget that.”

At this, Kurt’s own tears began to fall. He felt like he’d been waiting his whole life to hear Sebastian say those words. He reached out to grab Sebastian’s waist and pulled him in. And then Sebastian was kissing him. Sebastian kissed as if he was trying to pour every ounce of feeling he’d ever had for Kurt into that once kiss. Kurt pulled him as close as he could and tried to do the same.

After a few minutes, Kurt realized that he hadn’t really responded to Sebastian. He pulled Sebastian into a hug and said breathlessly, “I love you too, Sebastian. God, I love you so much.”

Sebastian buried his face in Kurt’s shoulder and took long, shuddering breaths. Kurt was overwhelmed at Sebastian’s emotional reaction. In four years, he’d never seen Sebastian like this. He held Sebastian tightly and ran a hand over his back. He had no idea of what else to do.

They were still standing this way a minute later when Finn opened the door. “I’m really sorry to interrupt you guys,” he said, looking awkward, “but I think Sister Emma is going to have a heart attack if we don’t start rehearsal soon.”

Kurt nodded at him. “We’ll be there as soon as we can.”

Finn looked relieved as he shut the door.

Sebastian still hadn’t let go of him, so Kurt pulled back slowly and pushed Sebastian into a standing position. Kurt grabbed both of his hands. “We’ll talk after rehearsal, okay? We’ll figure everything out together.”

Sebastian nodded and let Kurt straighten his rumpled clothes. Kurt felt a strong sense of déjà-vu for the hundreds of times he’d done this over the years. Sebastian returned the favor, and then they both left the room at the same time.

* * *

They were halfway through rehearsing the Queen Mab scene when Sebastian started skipping lines. There was a weird tone to his voice, and when Kurt looked up at him in confusion he saw that Sebastian’s eyes were unfocused.

When Sister Emma sent them back to the side of the stage to try the scene again, Kurt grabbed him. “Jesus Christ, Sebastian. Are you high?”

Sebastian shook his head. “I’m fine.” But Kurt knew he wasn’t. He couldn’t believe Sebastian would take something in the middle of the day. Sebastian had always been so careful.

Kurt heard a chair squeak against the floor behind him. When he turned to look, he saw Lauren crossing the room to them. Something in her face told Kurt that she was feeling the same sense of rising dread as he was.

“Kurt …” He spun back around at the sound of Sebastian’s voice to see him swaying back and forth. Kurt grabbed Sebastian’s arms and pushed him back to lean against the wall. “Kurt,” he said, so quietly that Kurt had to strain to hear him, “I’m sorry.”

“Sebastian, what’s happening?” He asked frantically, but Sebastian just stared at him. And then Sebastian was slumping to the ground. Kurt wasn’t strong enough to hold him up, so he followed him to the floor.

Lauren was kneeling on Sebastian’s other side in a moment. She reached out and shook his shoulder, but Sebastian didn’t respond. As soon as it was clear that Sebastian was unconscious, everything seemed to go insane.

Behind him, he heard Santana shouting for Sister Emma to call 911. Puck was yelling at Kurt to lay Sebastian on his back, but Kurt seemed to be frozen in place. He felt someone pull him back out of the way as Lauren moved Sebastian. His stomach clenched at the way Sebastian just flopped over when Lauren pulled at him.

As soon as Sebastian was repositioned, Kurt moved back to his side. He reached a hand out to Lauren, and she gripped it so tightly that it hurt.

Kurt wasn’t sure how long they waited before the paramedics arrived and pushed them out of the way. He kept a hold of Lauren’s hand as they stood and refused to take his eyes off of Sebastian. Somehow, he couldn’t shake the feeling that, if he looked away from Sebastian for even a moment, he would lose him.

“Did he take something?” one of the paramedics said. “If he took something, you have to tell us. It might save his life.”

Everyone looked around at each other before Puck answered: “GHB. I don’t know how much, but he had a lot.”

Kurt barely heard this answer. At the words “save his life,” the world seemed to spin beneath him. He leaned on Lauren more heavily for support, as he tried not to think of the alternative.

* * *

Kurt stared out the window of the hospital waiting room watching cars come and go in the hope that it would distract him from thinking about what was happening to Sebastian. It was failing miserably. He’d tried to sit down, but he couldn’t make himself be that still.

He looked around at his friends. All of them sat or stood alone, looking shell shocked. Nobody had spoken since the nurse told Lauren that they were trying everything they could for Sebastian, and that they would let her know as soon as there was any news. Kurt wanted to reach out to Lauren, but he didn’t know how to break the silence.

It was Puck who finally spoke. He was sitting in a waiting room chair a few feet away. He looked up at Kurt and, in a voice laced with fear, said, “I told him. I told him it was strong and that he shouldn’t take all of it. I told him. I know I told him. I don’t understand how he could have taken too much.”

Kurt looked at Puck and felt tendrils of cold creep up his back. He thought frantically back over the events of the last few days and his last conversation with Sebastian. As the realization settled on him, Kurt felt something inside him shatter: something vital and irreparable. All at once, the world seemed to tilt on its axis, and Kurt struggled to keep standing.

“Kurt?” Finn said, jumping to his feet and grabbing his brother’s arms to steady him. Kurt knew he must look unstable, but he couldn’t control it. Finn pushed Kurt back into a chair, not letting go of him, as Kurt’s panic rose. He gasped for breath, trying desperately to control his racing heart. “Kurt, what’s happening?”

He felt a hand on his back and heard Quinn’s voice. “You’re freaking out, Kurt. Just try to take a deep breath.”  The feel of her hand on his back anchored him, and he tried to count his breaths to slow them down. Every breath felt painful, but he was able to get them under control. As his breathing returned to normal, he dropped his head into his hands.

“Kurt, what the fuck?” Lauren said.

He looked back at her and said, just loudly enough for everyone to hear, “Puck told Sebastian how much to take. Sebastian partied all the time. He knew his limits. He always has. Don’t you see?”

Lauren closed her eyes and turned away as if she’d been slapped. Rachel looked as if she was going to be sick. Artie had gone white as a sheet. But Finn still looked confused. “I don’t understand what that means.”

Kurt heard Quinn from behind him. “Finn, Sebastian knew how much to take and he knew what would happen if he wasn’t careful. So, if he took too much … it’s because he meant to.” Kurt saw Finn’s confusion turn to understanding as he squeezed Kurt’s arms tighter. Kurt just stared at Finn. He had no idea what else to do or to say. Somehow, the knowledge that this was something Sebastian had meant to do made it even harder to process what was happening.

This time, it was Kurt who broke the paralysis that had settled over all of them once again with this new realization. “Finn,” he said, his voice sounding loud, “you’re squeezing too hard.”

Finn looked down at his hands as if he hadn’t realized that he was still holding on to Kurt. He shook his head and stood up to take the seat next to Kurt. The rest of the group seemed to unfreeze at Finn’s movement, and they all shifted closer together. They held on to each other as they waited for news.

Kurt had no idea how much time had passed. It might have been only an hour, or it might have been days. Rachel was asleep on Finn’s shoulder. Lauren was sitting on the floor at his feet with her back resting against his knees. Quinn and Mercedes were holding hands. Artie and Puck were having a hushed conversation, the details of which weren’t clear to him.

But they all started into alertness when a doctor wearing scrubs and a tired expression came through the large double doors and crossed to their group. “Which one of you is Lauren Smythe?”

* * *

Kurt sat in the front pew with his elbows on his knees and his head in his hands. He focused on breathing, which seemed to require more effort than it ever had before in his life. He heard the door to the church open and shut behind him but didn’t look up. There wasn’t anyone coming through that door that he wanted to see.

“Kurt?”

He buried his head further in his hands at the sound of Father Will’s voice. Maybe, if Kurt didn’t look at him, he’d go away.

“Kurt, I’m glad you came here. I know how hard it is to lose a friend at your age. I just hope that you don’t blame God for this: that you don’t lose faith.”

At this, Kurt looked up from his hands and laughed dryly. “I don’t blame God for this. I blame you.”

By the shock on his face, Kurt could tell that this wasn’t the response he’d been expecting. Well, Kurt wasn’t about to throw himself in the priest’s arms and sob. And he didn’t have the energy left to hold back his words.

“Sebastian came to you. He was desperate and alone and scared and he came to you. You must have known what could be at stake. And you refused to look past your dogma and offer him love! I loved him, Father, more than anything. And the fact that he came into my life at the moment when I was the most lost is the one thing that convinced me that there is a God and that He does love me and that He’s bigger than the small, narrow vision you have of him. You had the chance to offer Sebastian something real, something he could hold on to, and instead you confirmed his worst fears. So yeah, I know you aren’t the only one to blame. But still, I blame you.”

Kurt knew he wasn’t being fair. Father Will hadn’t made things any easier for Sebastian, but it wasn’t his responsibility. Kurt was the one who should have been able to see through Sebastian, but he’d been too angry to try. He’d thought he had time to process his own feelings about the situation before he worried about what Sebastian might be feeling, but he’d been wrong. If he’d stayed with Sebastian that night, or if he’d worked harder to make him understand why running away wasn’t an option, he could have stopped this. But he had all the time in the world to blame himself. Right now, blaming Father Will seemed easier.

Kurt stood up then and walked past Father Will. When he was halfway up the aisle, he heard the priest’s voice, “I’m sorry, Kurt.”

“And I forgive you, Father.”

* * *

They all stood together at the graveside service, separated slightly from Sebastian’s family and his father’s important colleagues. He saw Lauren out of the corner of his eye, standing with her parents. She looked lost, and Kurt knew that she was desperate to be allowed to stand with her fellow students, but, even now, the Smythes had to keep up appearances.

He waited, watching as his classmates each pulled a flower from the funeral arrangements surrounding the grave and placed it on top of the casket. As he watched, each of them took their turn and then stepped back away. But Kurt couldn’t move. He stared at the wooden box in front of him and, for the first time, really understood that Sebastian was in there. That he was somehow supposed to find the strength to leave him here. And he couldn’t go: couldn’t make any move towards leaving this moment and continuing to the rest of his life without Sebastian. He wasn’t ready.

Then he felt a hand slip into his. Kurt looked up in shock to see that the hand belonged to his father. And with that, the last of his resolved crumbled. He gave one choked sobbed and buried his face in his father’s shoulder, whispering “I loved him, Dad.” Burt just held him tightly as he cried, not caring what the assembled crowd though of the display.

As Kurt’s sobs slowed and he began to catch his breath, he pulled away from his father slightly and asked, “What am I going to do now? How am I supposed to do this?”

Burt looked at his son sadly and said, “You get up every morning and do what you need to do. You might not see any reason to, but you’ll do it anyways. And you wait for the day that getting up starts to feel a little less like dying.”

“Are you sure it will?”

“Yeah, I’m sure; even if you aren’t sure you want it to. But, Kurt? It starts with saying goodbye.”

Kurt nodded, and Burt pulled away, moving back to stand with Carole who had joined Finn and the other students.

Kurt took a deep breath as he walked forward and pulled a flower out of an arrangement. He knelt down, pressing one hand to the side of the coffin, and spoke quietly, “God damn it, Sebastian. How did we get here? Where am I supposed to go without you? You’re the only thing I’ve ever been sure of.”

He stayed on the ground for a few more minutes, but he knew that he had nothing left to say. When he felt strong enough, he stood and leaned over to place the white spider mum on top of the pile of flowers on Sebastian’s casket. He walked a few steps backwards, taking one last look, and then turned around to return to the group. When he reached them, Quinn reached out to put her arm around him. He pulled her into a hug and squeezed her tightly. There was a lot left to be said between them, he knew, but for today this would be enough.


End file.
